X does Romeo and Juliet. Oh, the humanity.
by mileouttahell
Summary: I think the title pretty much says it all. ^^ Seishiro and Subaru as Romeo and Juliet. Of course. (Light revisions; fixed pronouns and added a few more sarcastic comments.)
1. Act 1, Scene 1: In which... The Sumeragi...

*the curtain opens and we see Kamui leaning over towards Subaru, while the rest of both sets of Dragons mill about*  
  
Kamui: Pssst! Subaru! What are we doing here again?  
Subaru: Well…CLAMP decided we needed to loosen up, and that we were terrible actors. And we should practice something classic. They find this particular play amusing.  
Kamui: …  
Subaru: And the cast list is getting ready to appear…  
  
Cast list: (appears)  
In something resembling the order of appearance  
Sampson- Arashi   
Gregory- Yuzuriha  
Abraham- Nataku   
Balthasar- Kakyou   
Benvolio- Kusanagi  
Tybalt- Hokuto   
Capulet- Aoki   
Lady Capulet- Karen   
Montague- Fuuma  
Lady Montague- Satsuki   
Prince Escalus- Kotori   
Romeo- Seishiro   
Rosaline- Kanoe  
Paris- Kamui   
Juliet - Subaru   
Juliet's Nurse- Sorata   
Mercutio- Yuuto   
Friar Laurence- Keiichi  
Peter- Daisuke  
  
  
Seishiro: Good gods, who decided I should be wishy-washy?  
Kamui: … It could be worse. You could be the hated fiancée….  
Seishiro: What a cheerful idea…  
Subaru: Maybe we should try to get this over with?  
Kamui: …  
Others: *nod*  
Sorata: Hold it. Pause. Fix the language so normal humans can understand it. (hands out red pens) Just change it so it makes sense. Doesn't have to be exact.  
(scribbling ensues)  
Sorata: OK, now we can start.  
  
SCENE I.   
Tokyo. A public place.  
  
[Enter Arashi and Yuzuriha, of the Sumeragi clan. Arashi has her sword pulled out and Inuki is trotting and Yuzuriha's side.]  
  
Arashi: Ugh, let's not take any coal home.  
  
Yuzuriha: Why would we, anyway? That's not our job.  
  
Arashi: …   
  
Yuzuriha: Well, you're boring.  
  
Arashi: Sure, just don't piss me off.   
  
Yuzuriha: Not too likely. You're pretty patient.  
  
Arashi: But I will get ticked off by one of those Sakurazuka clan servant.   
  
Yuzuriha: (giggling) Just don't run away.   
  
Arashi: (snorts): Like even. (aside) Who the hell wrote this stuff?   
  
Yuzuriha: Whatever. (aside) No kidding…   
  
Arashi: I'm supposed to make some sexist comment here, but I think I'll pass.  
  
Yuzuriha: Er…ditto?  
  
Arashi: Oh, well, it's all the same to me. Men, women, I'll kill them either way if they tick me off…(Gee, I sound like Fuuma.)   
  
Yuzuriha: Really?   
  
Arashi: Yup.  
  
Yuzuriha: …  
  
Arashi: …Damn, I'm hot.  
  
Yuzuriha: Uh-oh. Pull your sword out of your hand; I see Sakurazuka servants. Maybe you'll gross them out and they'll leave.  
  
Arashi: …Thanks. (proceeds to pull her sword out) Look, I pulled my sword out. If you get in a fight, I'll back you up!  
  
Yuzuriha: (as Inuki is transforming) (dryly) Planning on running away?  
  
Arashi: …Hey! Don't worry about it, I intend to do no such thing.   
  
Yuzuriha: Will too!  
  
Arashi: Well, never mind. Here they come.   
  
Yuzuriha: Dare me to make faces at them? …Well, maybe not. I'll just frown and see if they get mad.   
  
Arashi: I think I'll flip them off. If they ignore it, they're wusses. (thinking)…I'm not this rude!  
  
Enter Nataku and Kakyou  
  
Nataku: Hey, are you flipping us off?   
  
Arashi: I am flipping someone off…   
  
Nataku: Us?   
  
Arashi: (to Yuzuriha) Is the law on our side, if I say yes?  
  
Yuzuriha: No.  
  
Arashi: No, I'm not flipping you off. (thinking) Stupid…  
  
Nataku: What, do you want to fight?  
  
Arashi: No!  
  
Nataku: If you do, I'm up for it. Sakurazuka are better anyway.  
  
Kakyou: (nods agreement)  
  
Arashi: ...  
  
Yuzuriha: Oh, here comes on of the Sumeragi clan.   
  
Arashi: Oh yeah.  
  
Nataku: You lie.  
  
Arashi: Unless you're chicken, draw your swords (*grumble* more sexist stuff) Yuzuriha, remember what I taught you.  
  
(fighting ensues)   
  
(Kusanagi enters)  
  
Kusanagi: Stop that, you idiots. (uses his sword to knock the others' apart)   
  
(Enter Hokuto)  
  
Hokuto: (laughing) Kusanagi, you're such a coward. (pulls out a sword) I will be your death. Come fight me.  
  
Kusanagi: I'm just trying to keep the peace. Help me out here, would ya?  
  
Hokuto: Peace? I laugh! Come fight me, coward!  
  
(They fight)  
  
(Enter, several of both houses, who join the fray; then enter Citizens, with clubs)  
  
(Enter Aoki in a business suit and Karen)  
  
Aoki: (wind starting to swirl around him) What's going on here?   
  
Karen: Calm down...  
  
Aoki: No, I won't! Fuuma is here and is fighting. I will too!  
  
(Enter Fuuma and Satsuki)  
  
Fuuma: I'm gonna get you, Aoki!  
  
Satsuki: No, I'm not going to let you fight. (thinking) What the hell...? Go for it, Fuuma...  
  
(Enter Kotori, with Attendants)  
  
Kotori: My subjects, destroying the peace...(sighs)  
You beasts, stop fighting, right now! Look, you're bleeding all over!  
Drop your weapons, or you'll all be in for it, and listen to me.  
This is the third fight between the Sumeragi and Sakurazuka clans.  
If any of you start a fight again, the punishment will be death.  
For right now, everyone needs to leave; except for Aoki, who will   
come with me now. Fuuma, I will see you this afternoon at the courthouse.  
And one more reminder- destroy the peace and it will be your death.  
  
(Exit all but Fuuma, Satsuki, and Kusanagi)  
  
Fuuma: Nephew, who started the fight? Where were you when it began?  
  
Kusanagi: The Sumeragi servants and your own servants were   
fighting when I walked up. I tried to stop the fight, but the fiery  
Hokuto insulted and attacked me. We started fighting, and more   
and more people joined in. And that's where you came in and  
Kotori-sama stopped us.  
  
Satsuki: Have you seen Seishiro today? I can't find him, though I'm  
glad he wasn't in the fight.  
  
Kusanagi: Obasan, I was up an hour before dawn,  
I'm an insomniac, you know, and I couldn't sleep. Anyway,  
I went to the park and saw Seishiro in a grave of sakura.  
I tried to catch up with him, but he saw me and I guess he didn't  
want to talk, so I left him alone.  
  
Fuuma: ...He's been seen there a lot in the mornings,  
upset, with a big grey storm cloud over his head. As  
soon as dawn comes, he goes home and locks himself up,  
draws the curtains, and hibernates.This isn't good for him;  
I hope some good advice from a friend will help him at  
some point.  
  
Seishiro: I'd just like to interject for a moment to point out that this is waaaaay out of character. (the others glare at him and he pops his head off the scene) OK, OK, I'm leaving!  
  
Kusanagi: Ojisan, do you know why he's upset?  
  
Fuuma: No, and I don't want to..  
  
Kusanagi: Have you tried doing anything?  
  
Fuuma: (sighs) Yes. I have, other people have.  
But it hasn't helped. He just keeps his feelings inside.  
If I knew the problem we might be able to help  
him, but he won't tell us.   
  
(enter Seishiro)  
  
Kusanagi: Look, there he is. I'll go talk to him and try   
to figure out what's wrong.  
  
Fumma: Thanks. Come on, Satsuki.  
  
(Fuuma and Satsuki exit)  
  
Kusanagi: Heya, Seishiro.  
  
Seishiro: (dazed) Is it early still?  
  
Kusanagi: ...It's nine o'clock....(sweatdrop)  
  
Seishiro: Time drags along when you're sad, doesn't  
it? Was that my dad who just left?  
  
Kusanagi: Yeah. What sadness is making your  
hours drag?  
  
Seishiro: Not having something that would make the hours  
short if I had it.  
  
Kusanagi: (muttering) Like that's helpful. -_-;   
  
Seishiro: What was that?  
  
Kusanagi: (louder) In love?  
  
Seishiro: Out.  
  
Kusanagi: Of love?  
  
Seishiro: No, still in love, but she doesn't like me anymore.   
  
Kusanagi: (edits the script greatly) Love sucks.  
  
Seishiro: You said it. Whoah, what happened here? (aside)   
Geez, finally this guy notices...  
Wait, never mind, forget I ask. That whole love the family,  
hate the Sumeragi thing, right? (ugh, who wrote this part of his speech?)  
...I reiterate, love sucks.  
  
Kusanagi: (little watery eyes) No kidding...it makes me so sad!  
  
Seishiro: Which?  
  
Kusanagi: Your poor, broken heart!  
  
Seishiro: Well, that's the way it is...don't go on about it,  
it just makes me feel worse. But I have to go. Bye, cuz.   
  
Kusanagi: No, wait, I'm coming! And be nice; don't try  
to leave me behind.   
  
Seishiro: Whatever, you're not talking to Seishiro  
anyway. He's off somewhere else...(muttering) Or his marbles  
are...  
  
Kusanagi: (helpfully) Lights are on, but nobody's home?  
  
Seishiro: Two cokes short of a six-pack!  
  
Kusanagi: Not the sharpest quill on the porcupine!  
  
Seishiro: (starting to smirk) Engine is running, but   
there's no one behind the wheel.  
  
Kusanagi: (chuckling) Coupl'a gunmen short of a posse!  
  
Seishiro: (triumphantly) Couple of bodies short of a serial killer!  
  
(suddenly the omnipotent voice of CLAMP breaks through the clouds)  
  
CLAMP: Get back to the play right now, or you're both dying in the next Asuka!  
  
Seishiro: But I already died. In that other Asuka. You know, the one where  
I died?  
  
CLAMP: You're funny, Seishiro. Really. But trust us, we are  
omnipotent. We managed to kill Kotori four times in the movie.   
I'm sure we could manage a paltry two times for you.  
  
(both men eep and go back to reading the play.)  
  
Kusanagi: So, in all truth and sadness, whom do you love?  
  
Seishiro: What, should I groan and tell you?  
  
Kusanagi: No, don't groan. Say it sadly. Well, in that whining way Romeo has.  
  
CLAMP: ...(omnipotent head glares)  
  
Kusanagi: Eep!  
  
Seishiro: I love a woman.  
  
Kusanagi: Wow, I guessed that. I'm good.   
  
Seishiro: Good for you. -_-; She's pretty.  
  
Kusanagi: Yay me! ^_^  
  
Seishiro: Unfortunately, she's not so close to hitting the  
mark as you are. Or rather, she isn't close to being hit  
by Cupid's arrow. She's just not interested...she ignores me.   
  
Kusanagi: Has she sworn to stay a virgin?  
  
Seishiro: Right again. She wants to enter a convent. Sucks to be me, then.  
  
Kusanagi: Seishiro, take my advice and just forget about her.  
  
Seishiro: How?  
  
Kusanagi: You could try other women.  
  
Seishiro: (considers) Well...maybe...if you could   
find some one who...or perhaps... Nope, won't work.   
  
Kusanagi: Wanna bet on that? I'll win it, or die in debt.  
  
(exit) 


	2. Act 1, Scene 2: In which... Keiichi atte...

SCENE II. A street.  
  
(Enter Aoki, Kamui, and Keiichi)  
  
Keiichi: Man, why do I have to be all the bit roles?  
Clamp: (glaaaare)  
Keiichi: ...Oh.  
  
Aoki: At least Fuuma is in as much trouble as   
I am. We're getting old; it shouldn't be too  
hard for us to keep the peace.  
  
Kamui: (his costume is too large for him, so he keeps having to   
pull up the pants and resettle the hat on his head.)   
You guys are both cool people. Too bad  
you hate each other. But now...(nudgenudgewinkwink)  
What do you say about me marrying that dau...son of yours?  
  
Aoki: I don't know. Sh...he's not even fourteen. Let him  
get to sixteen, at least.  
  
Subaru: (offstage) Ack! I am _not _ thirteen!  
  
Kamui: (in agreement) Geez, what do I look like,   
a child molester? That's more Fuuma's department!  
  
Seishiro: (also offstage) Ditto that! Do I look like  
a pedophile or something?  
  
(Hokuto and Subaru turn to look at him)  
  
Subaru: ...Yes.  
  
Seishiro: Oh, right. Never mind.  
  
Kamui: People marry at younger ages than him.  
  
Aoki: Yeah, and they marry way too early.  
He's my pride and joy. But my will is only part  
of the decision. You might want to try getting him  
to love you. If he agrees to marry you, then  
I'll give my consent to the marriage. Listen,  
I'm having a party tonight, and there will be  
lots of people there. You can come along, too  
And...blah blah blah...let's go. Keichii! Go wander around  
the city and give out these invitations, cause we   
live in a time without mail service.  
(Gives Keichii a list)  
(Exit Aoki and Kamui)  
  
Keichii: Gee...it would really help if I, a humble  
servant, could read. I really ought to get   
around to learning how. -_-;  
  
(Enter Kusanagi and Seishiro)  
  
Kusanagi: Blah blah blah...a bunch of metaphors that  
say your head will stop hurting if you hit your toe with  
a hammer.  
  
Seishiro: (sarcastic, again breaking from the script)  
Yeah, maybe I should spring for some of your  
cooking.  
  
Kusanagi: Hey! There's no need for that!  
Are you mad at me or something?  
  
Seishiro: No, but...going crazy. I feel like I am shut up in prison-  
  
Kusanagi: (under his breath) Could be from locking yourself   
up in your room habitually.  
  
Seishiro: What?  
  
Kusanagi: ...Nothing.  
  
Seishiro: I'm whipped and tormented and- (to Keiichi)  
Yo! Wassup?  
  
Keiichi: Um, hi. Can you read, by any chance?  
  
Seishiro: Yeah, my own fortune. Doom, doom, death  
and destruction. (muttered) Well, that goes without saying.  
I'm a CLAMP character.  
  
Keiichi: That's not what I meant. -_-; Can you read something you see?  
  
Seishiro: Yeah, as long as I know the language.  
  
Keiichi: Oh, good. Help?   
  
Seishiro: (reading paper)  
Martino-san and family;  
Anselme-sama and his sisters;  
Vitravio-san, the widow;  
Yuuto and his brother;  
My Ojisan Capulet;  
My niece, Kanoe;  
Livia-san  
Valentio-san and his cousin Hokuto  
Lucio and the lively Helena.  
That's a lot of people. Where are they going?  
  
Keiichi: To a party.  
  
Seishiro: Oh? Where?  
  
Keiichi: To our house, for dinner.  
  
Seishiro: (raises eyebrow) Which house is "ours"?  
  
Keiichi: That of my master.  
  
Seishiro: (sarcastically) That's very helpful, thank you. I should  
have asked you that before.  
  
Keiichi: (sighs) Before you ask, my master is Aoki-sama,  
and if you're not already invited and you're not Sakurazuka,  
I'll invite you to come along. (exits)  
  
Kusanagi: Hmmm...Kanoe, whom you love,  
will be there, along with all of Tokyo's prettiest  
girls. Let's go, so you can compare her to other  
pretty girls.  
  
(Both Kusanagi and Seishiro pause here to make  
gagging gestures in Kanoe's direction)  
  
Kusanagi: Now back to your regularly scheduled tragedy.  
  
Seishiro: Not likely. May I die a painful death  
if I forget Kanoe.  
  
Yuzuriha: (offstage, cheerfully) FOREshadowing!  
  
Kusanagi: Blah blah blah...basically the same thing I said  
last line.  
  
Seishiro: OK, OK, I'll go, but only to check out  
Kanoe.  
  
(Both characters again make gagging noises and gestures.)  
  
(exit) 


	3. Act 1, scene 3: In which...Sorata giveth...

SCENE III. A room in Sumeragi's house.  
  
(Enter Karen and Sorata)  
  
Karen: Sora? Where's my dau...son? Call him, will you?  
  
Sora: (shrilly) Suuuuuubaruuuuu! Where aaaaaare you?  
  
Karen: (winces)  
  
(Subaru enters)  
  
Subaru: Who's calling me? What do you need?  
  
Sora: Your mother.  
  
Subaru: (to Karen) Yes?  
  
Karen: Well- Sora, can you leave for awhile? We need to talk   
in secret. (Sora starts to leave) No, wait, don't leave. Leave,  
don't leave. Oh, hell. I need your counsel.  
  
(Subaru and Sorata stare at her. She just smiles.)  
  
Karen: My son's of a pretty age, isn't he?  
  
Sorata: I can tell her…his age within an hour.  
  
Karen: (gives into temptation) SHE'S not fourteen.  
  
Subaru: (gives a near-expressionless look that is actually  
his equivalent to the "if looks could kill" glare)  
  
Sora: (playing along, and also earning a "glare) SHE'S not even fourteen.  
How long is it to shichigosan?  
  
Karen: A little over a week.  
  
Sora: Well, SHE'LL be fourteen on shichigosan;  
Now I lament my dead daughter...blah blah...  
repeating myself...something about eleven years  
since the earthquake...my husband is dead as well...  
(aside) What the hell? And, as I said before, she's   
_still_ turning fourteen at shichigosan, and...  
Oh, hell. (chucks his script out the window, deciding  
to B.S. the rest)  
  
Subaru: I'd like to interject here to say that   
I'm standing right here, you don't have to talk  
about me like I'm not, and if you don't stop calling  
me a girl, the Tree will have a delicious Seal meal   
tonight. Thank you.  
  
Karen: (to Sorata) Yeah, yeah, no one cares. Shut up.  
  
Sora: ... Well pooh to you, too!  
(back in character)  
OK, OK. (salutes) Yes ma'am!  
  
Subaru: Just a quick reminder that I'm still here.  
  
Sorata: Riiiiight.  
  
Karen: Oh, by the way Subaru, what  
do you think of getting married?  
  
Subaru: (purposely overacting) Oh, what  
an honor! Can I? Please please please please  
please?   
  
(Sorata calmly reaches over to feel Subaru's   
forehead to see if he has a fever. Subaru  
looks sheepish.)  
  
(Karen and Subaru at this point are pretty  
much ignoring Sorata, working the script around  
him.)  
  
Karen: Well, think about it, OK? There are younger  
people around here getting married; I had to  
at about your age. But to summarize, the valiant   
Kamui seeks your love. (snorts, aside) Yeah...well...  
take it from a soap girl, he's more likely interested  
in your booty, but whatever.  
  
Sorata: (sarcastically) How romantic!  
  
Karen: (winkwink) He's cute, though, isn't he?  
  
Sorata: (raising his hands) I'm not going  
to get into this.  
  
Karen: Well, what do you think? Can you  
marry him? He'll be at the feast tonight. Take  
a good look at him. Is he the sort of person  
you want to marry? After all, you might marry  
the guy, and then people will see you as one  
entity, which kinda sucks. Do you want to  
have people think of him when they think of  
you?  
  
Sora: (snore)  
  
Karen: OK, tell me quickly- do you think  
you can fall for Kamui?  
  
Subaru: If you want me to.  
  
(Keiichi enters)  
  
Keiichi: (muttermutterbitpartsmuttermutter) Madam, the   
guests are here and supper is served, and all the other things  
you wanted me to do are taken care of. Just thought you'd like  
to know.  
  
Karen: OK, I'll be down in just a minute. (Keiichi exits, still muttering) Come on,  
Subaru.  
  
Sora: (snore)  
  
(Karen and Subaru exit, leaving Sorata asleep on the stage.) 


	4. Act 1, Scene 4: In which...Yuuto loseth ...

SCENE IV. A street.  
  
Yuuto: Oh, good, the scene where I get to rave   
like a lunatic.  
  
Seishiro: You are a lunatic.  
  
Satsuki: Was that sarcasm, Yuuto? I can   
never tell with you.  
  
Yuuto: -_-; I hate you guys.  
  
(Enter Seishiro, Yuuto, Kusanagi, and some Random People (TM)).  
  
Seishiro: Are we just going to barge in? Seems a   
little rude.  
  
Kusanagi: Sure, we'll just go in masked,   
maybe scare a few chicks, let the Sumeragi  
clan think what they want, and sneak back   
out.   
  
Seishiro: Give me a torch. Just walking is  
dull, so I'll carry it.  
  
Yuuto: (grinning) I have a better idea:  
dance for us!  
  
Seishiro: Nuh-uh, no way, no how.  
I'm too depressed to dance, and anyway,  
I'm bad at it.  
  
Hokuto: (offstage) Awwww....widdle  
Sei-chan can't dance??  
  
Seishiro: (ignores her)  
  
Yuuto: ...Well, normally I would translate  
this to "You're such a Romeo", but that just  
doesn't work, so I'll have to settle for "You're  
such a romantic." Anyway, since you're  
such a lovey-dovey guy, you should borrow  
Cupid's wings and use them to float above  
your troubles. After all, you must be pretty  
buddy-buddy with him, being a romantic fellow  
and all.  
  
Seishiro: Nope, I've got Cupid's  
arrow through my heart, and as you can  
imagine, that kinda hurts. So I can't fly right  
now, hurts too bad. Instead, I'm sinking under the  
heavy weight of love. (pauses) And I'm kind   
of mad at Cupid anyway.  
  
Yuuto: Ah. Seems too much for a nice   
guy like you.  
  
(All three Angels pause here, look at each other, and burst  
out laughing. A few minutes later, they wipe tears of   
helpless laughter from their faces and resume the play.)  
  
Seishiro: Love sucks. It hurts.  
  
Yuuto: If love is rough with you, be rough in  
return. (aside) Does this guy realize he's talking about  
an inanimate idea?  
(back in character) An eye for an eye I tell you!  
  
Seishiro: (interrupting) Hey, have any of you wondered  
if CLAMP was making an intentional reference to   
The Code of Hammurabi with the eye thing? After all,  
that was in Babylon, right?  
  
(All pause to consider)  
  
CLAMP: Get back to work!  
  
(All eep and go back to the play)  
  
Yuuto: (considers) Actually, I think I'm done.  
  
Kusanagi: ...Huh?  
  
Seishiro: (ignores Kusanagi and skips to his own lines)  
Give me a torch already.   
  
Yuuto: Right, right, come on, we're burning daylight.  
  
Seishiro: ...But it's night.  
  
Yuuto: I mean we're wasting time and our torches. -_-;  
  
Seishiro: ...Whatever. Why didn't you just say so?  
  
Yuuto: ...  
  
Seishiro: I had a dream last night.  
  
Yuuto: Yeah, me too. (sarcastic)  
What a coinkidink!  
  
Seishiro: Well, what did you dream?  
  
Yuuto: That dreamers often lie.  
  
Seishiro: I disagree. Look at Kakyou.  
  
Yuuto: (countering) Look at Hinoto!  
  
CLAMP: What did we say about...oh, we give up! Whatever!  
You'll just do what you like anyway. (The omnipotent  
voice of CLAMP fades during this, as if they're walking away.)  
  
Yuuto: ...Aaaanyway....on to long, crazy rant.  
  
So, Queen Mab has been with you. She is   
the fairies' midwife and she's really small  
and stuff. And she goes in your nose when you  
sleep and it's spiffy.   
Her wagon spokes are from spiders' legs,  
the cover from grasshopper wings, and nobody  
reads through all these speeches anyway, so why  
did Shakespeare bother? OK, just checking to see if  
you guys are listening.  
  
(There is no response from Seishiro or Kusanagi,  
so presumably they aren't.)  
  
...And there's lots more description of her  
chariot and how small she is and stuff...blah blah  
blah...she gallops through lovers' brains and then  
they dream of love; through lawyers' brains and  
they dream of money, and so on and so forth, and  
you get the idea. And then I babble about  
how scary she is and stuff until-  
  
Seishiro: Peace, Yuuto. You're babbling.  
You're talking of nothing.  
  
Yuuto: True; I talk of dreams, which  
come from an idle brain, and have  
no substance, like the air, and are more  
inconstant than the wind.  
  
Kusanagi: This wind that you're talking of  
is making us late. We've already missed   
supper; we don't want to miss the whole thing.  
  
Seishiro: I think it's too early. I have a bad feeling about  
this.  
  
Yuzuriha: (offstage) FOREshadowing!  
  
Kusanagi: Let's go!  
  
(exit) 


	5. Act 1, Scene 5: In which...Subaru and Se...

SCENE V. A hall in Sumeragi's house.  
  
Keiichi: Hey, guys? I can't play all these parts...  
  
Kamui: (looks over his shoulder, which is kind of funny   
since he has to stand on his tiptoes) I suppose we could just  
cut it out...  
  
Keiichi: (glomps Kamui) Thank you! I like that idea!   
(scribbles out the first part of the script, a conversation  
between some servants.)  
  
(enter Aoki with Subaru and some other Sumeragi clan members.   
Aoki immediately begins to greet the guests and play the  
gracious host.)  
  
Aoki: Welcome ladies and gentlemen! Blah blah...  
Come dance and stuff. Yeah. Hey, cousin! Haven't  
seen you for awhile. Come talk to me! It's been awhile  
since we did a masquerade, isn't it?  
  
Keiichi: (thinking) Sheesh...  
Thirty years...  
  
Aoki: What? It hasn't been that long. It  
was at Lucentio's wedding. Twenty-five  
years, I'll give you that.  
  
Keiichi: It's been longer than that. His son is   
thirty.  
  
Aoki: But I thought he was in school just two   
years ago...  
  
Seishiro: (to a servant) Who is he? He's pretty...  
The one over there with that knight?  
  
Keiichi: (grumbling) I don't know, sir...  
This is ridiculous...  
  
Seishiro: ...(summarizing) Damn, he's hot.  
  
Hokuto: Oi! A Sakurazuka! You, get me  
my sword! How dare he come here masked  
to laugh at us? To honor my kin, I'll kill him now!  
Ohohohoho!  
  
Aoki: Hey, Hokuto! Where are you going, so mad?  
  
Hokuto: Ojisan, that guy over there is a Sakurazuka!  
He's come to laugh at our party!  
  
Aoki: Isn't that young Seishiro?  
  
Hokuto: Yup, that's the jerkwad.  
  
Aoki: Oh, let him alone. He's supposed to be a good  
kid-  
  
(all pause here to turn and stare at Seishiro momentarily)  
  
Seishiro: What?  
  
Aoki: For all the money in the world, I  
wouldn't attack him in my own house. Be   
patient and ignore him. Respect my will.   
This anger doesn't suit the mood, you know.  
  
Hokuto: It doesn't suit the mood if he was  
a guest, but I won't put up with him!  
  
Aoki: (angry) You _will_ put up with him!  
You'll start a fight amoung the guests? Don't  
you dare!  
  
Hokuto: That's a shame, Ojisan....  
  
Aoki: You're such an arrogant brat, niece. Go  
get some more lights or something, before I lose my  
temper.  
  
Hokuto: (ala movie villian) I will remember this, Seishiro!   
Ohohohohoh! (exits)  
  
Seishiro: (has since made his way over to Subaru and is flirting with him)  
Hello, gorgeous. What's a guy like you doing in a place like this?  
(rather pleased with the excuse to hit on Subaru)  
(kissing up Subaru's hand) If you want me to stop, tell me...  
  
Subaru: (bright red) Quite all right...um...(gets dazed look)  
  
Seishiro: ...  
  
Kamui: (pokes Subaru from behind) Subaru! Subaru! Earth   
to Subaru! We're doing a play here...!  
  
Subaru: (shakes head) Oh, right...um...(goes off into Sei-chan  
induced trance again)  
  
Seishiro: Subaru...  
  
Subaru: Seishiro...  
  
Seishiro: Subaru....  
  
All: ........  
  
Seishiro: (blinkblink) Oh, right...flirt, flirt, and then  
(grin) we kiss. (Does so)  
  
Subaru: (passes out)  
  
All: .........  
  
(Ten minutes later, Subaru is awakened with a bucket of water.   
Seishiro grabs him and kisses him again. Subaru manages  
to maintain consciousness this time, and the next several lines  
are completely ignored.)  
  
Sorata: ....Maybe now would be the time for me to  
interject? I don't think this play is supposed to go past  
PG-13.  
  
Others: (nod)  
  
Sorata: (someone, presumably CLAMP, is making him   
use his script again) Subaru, your mother wants to talk to you...um...  
hello? Don't you guys need to breathe? Subaru, your  
mother wants to talk to you, and I doubt you want her to  
see this....  
  
Seishiro: (finally comes up for air) Who is her mother?  
  
Sorata: Sumeragi Karen, the lady of the house,   
good, virtuous (snorts) and wise, and just all   
around cool. I raised her son, whom you were   
just...uh...getting acquainted with...  
  
Seishiro: He's a Sumeragi? Oh, crud.  
My life is in the hands of my foe.  
  
Kusanagi: (gently) Come on, let's go.  
  
Seishiro: Yeah, all right. Oh, I'm not  
happy right now.  
  
Kusanagi: (under breath) What else  
is new?  
  
Aoki: Gentlemen! Don't leave yet!  
We still have some more food...  
You have to go? Well, thank you for  
coming and good night. Well, I'm getting  
tired, anyway. Let's go to bed.  
  
(exit all but Sora and Subaru)  
  
Subaru: Sorata, can you come here? (innocently)  
Who is that man?   
  
Sorata: Tibertio-san's son and heir.  
  
Subaru: How about the one going out the door?  
  
Sorata: Petruchio, I think....  
  
Subaru: How about that one, there? The one  
who wouldn't dance?  
  
Sorata: I don't know...  
  
Subaru: Go ask who he is and if he's married...  
Oh, dear...I think I've fallen for him.  
  
Sorata: (returning) His name is Seishiro, and  
a Sakurazuka at that! The only son of your  
worst enemy.  
  
Subaru: ....Aw, crap.  
Er...that is...my only love is someone I'm  
supposed to hate! I wish I'd known sooner...  
Why do I have to love someone that is   
supposed to be a loathed enemy?  
  
Sora: ....Well, we should leave, with  
all the guests gone...!  
(exit)   
  
(offstage)  
Subaru: ....  
Seishiro....  
  
Subaru: Aw, hell with it! (drags him behind some curtains.  
The rest of the cast stares for a minute, and then go about trying  
to get set cleanup done as quickly as possible, so they can get away.) 


	6. Act 2, scene 1: In which...not much happ...

SCENE I. A lane by the wall of Sumeragi's orchard.  
  
Sorata: Cheer, everyone! Short scene!  
  
(Seishiro enters)  
  
Seishiro: I can't leave this place, not when my heart  
is here. (climbs the wall and jumps into the   
Sumeragi orchard.)  
  
(Enter Kusanagi and Yuuto)  
  
Kusanagi: Seishiro! Cousin Seishiro!  
(pauses to consider) Here boy! Here boy!  
(whistles) C'mere, Seishiro! C'mon, boy!  
  
Yuuto: I bet he went home to bed. Which,  
incidentally, is where we should be. -_-;  
  
Kusanagi: No, I saw him run down here and  
jump over the wall. Why don't you try calling him?  
  
Yuuto: (giving in) Here boy! Here boy!  
(points randomly) Look, it's Kanoe! (silence)  
  
Kusanagi: If he hears you, he's going to be   
mad that she's not here. (under breath) Or, rather,  
he'll not come out of fear.  
  
Yuuto: Nah, he won't care...I'm only saying  
that to get him out here.  
  
Kusanagi: Come on, he's off in the orchard moping.  
Love is blind and well suited to the dark, but I am  
not in love, so I want to go home. To bed.  
  
Yuuto: If love is blind, how does he   
shoot his arrows through people's hearts?  
No wonder he misses his mark so often.   
Well, good night, Seishiro. I'm off to bed.  
This orchard is too cold for me to sleep in.  
(to Kusanagi) Shall we?  
  
Kusanagi: Yes, let's. We're hunting in   
vain, since he doesn't want to be found.   
  
(Exeunt) 


	7. Act 2, scene 2: In which...Subaru and Se...

Seishiro: [pauses from making out with Subaru] This is THAT scene, isn't it?  
  
Subaru: [disinterested] Oh, the balcony scene?  
  
Sorata: [rolling eyes] Get a room, you two.  
  
[both characters stand up and head in the direction of the dressing rooms.  
Sorata throws a shoe at them.]  
  
Sorata: Not now! After we finish this act!  
  
SCENE II. Sumeragi's orchard.  
  
[Enter Seishiro]  
  
Seishiro:   
Anyone who makes fun of me has never been in love...  
  
[Subaru appears above at a window]  
  
Oh! Look, it's Subaru, framed by the light! He  
looks like the sun beckoning from the east. Come  
out, sun, and get rid of the moon, who is not so  
beautiful anymore. It is my [snicker] lady-  
  
Subaru: Oi! I object! No more of that, or you're sleeping  
on the couch tonight! And I'll blackmail the rest of you   
if you don't stop.  
  
All: ...  
  
Seishiro: -It is my lord, oh, it is my love.  
His mouth is moving, but I can't hear him...but  
he's not speaking to me. He's looking at the stars...  
the fairest two in heaven, I think. But he's more   
beautiful than those stars, much as daylight is more  
glorious than lamplight. [Subaru is blushing an  
attractive cherry shade.] Oh....look how he's resting  
his cheek on his hand. I wish I were a glove on that  
hand, so I could touch that cheek! [aside] Yech! Mushy!  
  
Subaru: [sighs] Oh dear...  
  
Seishiro: He's saying something! Speak again,  
bright angel, for you are as beautiful as the night  
over my head; as an angel would fly over my head  
and display himself to wondering mortals as he flies  
easily through the clouds. [aside] Double yech!   
  
  
Subaru: Seishiro, Seishiro, why do you have to be  
Seishiro? Deny your- [glances around quickly, to  
see if CLAMP is watching] -cherry tree [snickers  
come from the other characters] and refuse your  
name, or if you won't, just swear that you love me,  
and I'll no longer be a Sumeragi.  
  
[the other characters applaud Subaru's cutesy speech.   
Subaru stands and takes a quick bow.]  
  
CLAMP: Subaru! ...Oh, never mind, why do we bother?  
  
Seishiro: Should I say something now, or keep listening?  
  
Subaru: It's only your name that's my enemy. What's a   
Sakurazuka, anyway? It's not a hand or foot or arm   
or face or any other part of a man. Oh, I wish you had  
some other name! What does a name matter? Even if we   
called a rose something else, it would still smell the same!  
Likewise, Seishiro would still be the same, even if he wasn't  
called Seishiro. Seishiro, get rid of your name, which is not  
part of you, and take me instead.  
  
Seishiro: I'll take it you mean what you say. Just   
call me your love, and I'll take a new name- from   
here on, I never will be Seishiro.  
  
Subaru: [alarmed, overacting] [slight screech]  
Eeeek! Who is sneaking around listening to me?  
  
Seishiro: [emerging from the bushes]  
I don't know how to tell you who I am, since  
we both hate my name so much.   
  
Subaru: Even though I've heard you speak  
very little, I know your voice at once. Are   
you Seishiro, and a Sakurazuka?  
  
Seishiro: [sappily, also overacting]  
Neither, if you don't like my names.  
  
Subaru: [calming down slightly] How did   
you get here, and why? The walls of the orchard  
are high and hard to climb. And if you were caught  
here by any of my family, you would be killed, since   
you are Sakurazuka.  
  
Seishiro: [peering at the script, eyes bugging out]  
Can this get any sappier? I thought this was supposed  
to be a tragedy.  
  
Subaru: [elbows him] Quiet. It is a tragedy. Read your   
lines.  
  
Seishiro: [sighs] I got over the wall with love's light  
wings, for walls can't hold love out. And love has no  
fear, so your family does not matter to me.  
  
Subaru: [worried, again purposely overacting]  
If they saw you, they would MURDER you!  
  
Seishiro: One look from you is more dangerous than  
twenty of their swords-  
  
Sorata: So they had the big, Yuzuriha-patented  
puppy dog eyes back then, too?  
  
Arashi: [elbows him, much like Subaru did to   
Seishiro.] Quiet, you!  
  
Seishiro: [continuing] -Just look at me once,   
and I'm not at all worried about death.  
  
Subaru: But I don't want you to be found here!  
  
Seishiro: It's dark, and I'm well hidden. And if you don't love  
me, let them kill me- I'm better off being killed by their hate  
than by wasting away from unrequited love. [aside] Boy, these  
old Italian people sure fell in love fast.  
  
Subaru: [ignoring the fact that Seishiro is talking about dying,  
since obviously this is a tragedy and everyone's going to die  
regardless] How did you know I'd be here? Did someone   
tell you?  
  
Seishiro: [overacting] It was LOVE! [decides  
that he doesn't care to recite the rest of the speech]  
  
Subaru: Oooh. Long speech. Edited version:  
How embarrassing! Don't listen to me talking to  
myself again! And if you love me, you need to tell  
me honestly. Right now. Or else.  
  
Seishiro: [very seriously] I swear by the blessed moon,  
that's covering all the fruit-trees with beautiful silver-  
  
Subaru: Don't swear by the moon! It's so inconstant,  
ever changing. Don't swear love by the moon, for   
I don't want it to turn out to be varying the same way.  
  
Seishiro: [bewildered] Well, what should I   
swear by?  
  
Subaru: Don't swear at all. Or if you have to,  
swear on yourself, since I love you, and I'll  
believe you.  
  
Seishiro: OK, if that's what you-  
  
Subaru: [hiding a smile, trying to sound bossy]  
Never mind, don't swear! [under breath] No bad  
words from you, or you won't get any supper tonight....  
[normal tone] Even though you make me happy, I  
don't want to hear this tonight. It's too fast, too sudden,  
too stupid-  
  
Seishiro: [under breath, sarcastic] Thank you....  
  
Subaru: -Good night, then. This love, just budding, may  
be a beautiful flower next time we meet. Good night,  
good night, I sound like a broken record! Is anyone listening  
anymore? I thought not. Sleep well, dear Seishiro!  
  
Seishiro: [leering] Would you leave me so unsatisfied?  
  
Subaru: [smacking him] That's not what it meant, and you  
know it! Shakespeare wasn't that perverted.  
  
Arashi: What about the Porter scene in Macbeth?  
  
Subaru: ....I have nothing to say to that.   
[continues with his lines] What do you want?  
  
Seishiro: [leering again] You know what I want....  
  
[Subaru smacks him again, causing Seishiro to drop  
his script. He picks it up, pouting, and resumes his lines.]  
  
Seishiro: I said that I love you. I wish that you would  
say so in return.  
  
Subaru: I told you before, when you were eavesdropping.  
What, you want me to give it again?  
  
Seishiro: ....Are you going to change your mind?  
  
Subaru: I'll tell you truthfully. My love is as deep as the  
sea, and as infinite.  
  
[Sorata calls to Subaru in a high falsetto from inside the  
house]  
  
I hear my nurse calling me. [raises voice] Just a minute,  
Sorata! [goes to give Seishiro a quick kiss. It turns into a   
makeout session.]  
  
[Sorata calls again, sounding a bit irritated]  
  
Subaru: I have to go. Wait just a second, and I'll be  
back...  
[exits]  
  
Seishiro: This seems like a dream...  
[under breath] More like a nightmare...  
  
[Subaru re-enters]  
  
Subaru: Three words for you: good night indeed.  
If you really love me, propose to me. Send me word  
tomorrow. Where, what time, and what church. If you  
do this, I'll- [glares at script] -apparently lie down at  
your feet like a bitch.  
  
Sorata: [from inside] Mada- [catches Subaru's glare]  
Sir?  
  
Subaru: I'll come in, just a second! [to Seishiro, who  
is distracting Subaru from his lines by kissing up his arm]  
But if you don't mean well- Seishiro, please stop!  
  
Sorata: [inside] Sir!  
  
Subaru: I'm coming! Just a moment...[gasping]  
If you don't mean well, then stop, and leave  
me with my grief.  
  
Seishiro: I really mean it-  
  
Subaru: [breaking away] A thousand good nights!  
[exits]  
  
Seishiro: [cutesy] Love goes toward love  
the same way schoolboys flee their books;  
But love goes away from love  
like boys to school with saddened looks.  
[starts to leave]  
  
[Subaru re-enters]  
  
Seishiro: [mutter] What, you're back again?  
  
Subaru: Pssst! Seishiro! Psssst! Ah,   
literary allusions. I feel like Echo, since I   
can only keep repeating Seishiro's name.  
  
Seishiro: I hear Subaru call...  
  
Subaru: Seishiro!  
  
Seishiro: Subaru!  
  
Subaru: Seishiro!  
  
Seishiro: Subaru!  
  
Subaru: At what time tomorrow should I send  
someone to fetch your reply?  
  
Seishiro: Nine is good.  
  
Subaru: It feels like twenty years until then.  
I forgot why I called you back! [giggles, then bends  
down to begin making out with Seishiro again]  
  
Seishiro: Good reason...  
I'll wait here until you remember. [leer]  
  
Subaru: You're not helping...  
  
Seishiro: That's all right. ^_^  
  
Subaru: But it's almost morning- you need to leave  
but you won't really be gone...um...I don't understand  
this metaphor.  
  
Seishiro: [not paying much attention] I wish I were that bird.  
  
Others: ?  
  
Subaru: Um, right. I agree completely. Good night! I really mean  
it this time! Parting is such sweet sorrow. Good night!  
[exit]  
  
Seishiro: Have a good night's sleep. I'm going to go talk to the priest.  
[exits] 


	8. Act 2, scene 3: In which...Keiichi agree...

SCENE III. Friar Keichii's cell.  
  
Enter Keichii, with a basket  
  
Keichii: Friar Keichii? This is not cool.  
...  
Looong speech ahead. [edits it, since none of the characters really want to make their full speech]  
What a beautiful morning!  
  
Sorata: ...That was it?  
  
Keichii: That was pretty much the gist of it, yeah.  
  
[Seishiro enters]  
  
Seishiro: Good morning, father!  
  
Keiichi: What on earth are you doing up so early? Are you ill? Either you're sick or you didn't go to bed last night.  
  
[The characters backstage start snickering. Keiichi looks scandalized.]  
  
....[muttered] Bunch of perverts...  
  
Sorata: [interrupts. He's holding a rather large book] Oh, Subaru? It turns out Shakespeare really was a pervert. Just in case you care. I mean, dude. Hamlet. There's incest, dirty puns...  
  
Subaru: OK, OK, I get the picture.  
  
Seishiro: Aaaanyway....  
You were right the second time- I got better rest than I would have gotten sleeping. [is smirking in a rather satisfied faction]  
  
Keichii: [overacting, but not on purpose] Oh, my gosh! God pardon sin! You weren't with Kanoe, were you?  
  
Seishiro: [looking a bit ill at the thought] Kanoe? Who?  
  
Keiichi: Oh, good. But where were you, then?  
  
Seishiro: OK, OK, I'll tell you, before you ask again. I've been...[leers] "feasting" with my enemy.   
  
Sorata: Despite what I said earlier, I don't think that's what that line meant.  
  
Seishiro: [sighs] Oh, fine. I went to the Sumeragi feast and ran into a really cute guy. I don't hate the Sumeragi family, since I'm in love with one of them. That stands in the way of hate.  
  
Subaru: [mutter] Yeah, try telling that to CLAMP.  
  
CLAMP: I heard that!  
  
Subaru: [loud cough]Yeahso?[loud cough]  
  
Keiichi: OK, you need to be straightforward with me.   
  
Seishiro: Oh, you're no fun. I've fallen in love with the son of rich Aoki. And he loves me, too, so it's all good. We met and [smirk] flirted and exchanged vows. I'll tell you more later, but I pray that you will be willing to marry us today.  
  
Keichii: Holy Saint Francis! You sure changed your mind fast.  
  
Seishiro: Very funny. I didn't write this, you know.  
  
Keichii: [ignoring him] If you've forgotten Kanoe so fast then obviously all you care about is appearances.   
  
[There is a lot of sudden coughing backstage, most of it from Subaru's general direction.]  
  
Keichii: Geez, and all it took was this Sumeragi guy to get you over Kanoe? After all that work I did to cheer you up?  
  
Seishiro: [mock hurt] But you scolded me often for liking Kanoe.  
  
Yuuto: [muttered offstage] Yeah, cause you'd have to be blind, deaf, and _stupid_ to consider her attractive.  
  
Keichii: No, for crushing on her, not for loving.  
  
Seishiro: [spontaneously skips a few lines] Don't scold me, please. The one I love now returns my feelings, unlike the last one.  
  
Keiichi: [pauses to consider] Well, all right. There's at least one good thing about this- it may stop all the fighting between your houses.  
  
Seishiro: Yay! Let's go, hurry, hurry!  
  
Keichii: Let's take our time. When you run fast, you may stumble.  
[exit]  
  
Sorata: All together now:  
  
All: FORESHADOWING!!!! 


	9. Act 2, scene 4: In which...Yuuto maketh ...

SCENE IV. A street.  
  
Enter Kusanagi and Yuuto  
  
Yuuto: Where on earth is Seishiro? Did he go home last night?  
  
Kusanagi: Not to his house. I spoke with his father.  
  
Yuuto: Maybe Kanoe has driven him crazy, that bitch. [muttered] I dunno, I think he had to be crazy to like her in the first place.  
  
Kusanagi: [nodding agreement]   
Did you hear that Hokuto sent a letter to him?  
  
Yuuto: It's a challenge. I'd bet my life.  
  
Kusanagi: Seishiro will answer it.  
  
Yuuto: Of course he will. Any man who can write can answer a letter.  
  
Kusanagi: No, I mean he will accept the challenge and rise to the occasion! [raises his fist in the air, mock-triumphantly]  
  
Yuuto: [rolls his eyes]  
Oh, poor Seishiro! He's going to lose! He's already dead!  
  
Seishiro: [backstage, offended] She's not powerful enough to kill me!  
  
Hokuto: [holds up X16] What do you call this?  
  
Seishiro: .....  
  
Kusanagi: What do you think of Hokuto?  
  
Yuuto: [pulls a rose from hammerspace, waxing poetic] O, more than the princess of cats...she is the courageous captain of compliments...what a stupid speech. A master duelist, a very noble lady, and some stuff in Italian. Or Latin. Or something. Anyway, I don't know what it means.  
  
Kusanagi: Methinks you have a little crush on Hokuto.  
  
Yuuto: [gestures helplessly] It's in the script! I can't help it!  
  
Kusanagi: [returning to script] What?  
  
Yuuto: To summarize this: She's cool, but I don't like her. I think. Um.  
  
[Seishiro enters]  
  
Kusanagi: Here comes Seishiro!  
  
Yuuto: This guy sure babbles a lot. Hey, Seishiro! What's up with last night?  
  
Seishiro: Good morning to both of you. [mutter] He's so damn _polite_.  
What about last night?  
  
Yuuto: You snuck off!  
  
Seishiro: Oh. Please forgive me; I had something important to do, and I think it was worth being a bit rude.  
  
Yuuto: [looking at script] Hmmm...I think the next bit is punning that I don't understand. [skips ahead] Well, you're more cheerful than most days recently. Isn't this better than crying for love all the time?  
  
Kusanagi: All right, all right, don't get him started.  
  
Yuuto: You want me to stop teasing him?  
  
Kusanagi: Yeah.  
  
Yuuto: Well, I was going to...  
Seishiro: Hey, look who's coming!  
  
[Sorata and Daisuke enter]  
  
Sorata: Daisuke!  
  
Daisuke: Just a second!  
  
Sorata: Could you bring me my fan?  
  
Yuuto: [jeeringly] To hide his face, since the fan is better looking.  
  
Arashi: [offstage] I disagree with that...  
  
Sorata: Good morning, gentlemen.  
  
Yuuto: [still mocking] Good afternoon, sir.  
  
Sorata: Is it afternoon?!  
  
Yuuto: No earlier- it's noon right now.  
  
Sorata: Liar. What sort of man are you?  
  
Seishiro: [rolling his eyes] A reject of God.  
  
Yuuto: Hey! That's not what that says!  
  
Seishiro: Close enough.  
  
Sorata: [hiding a smile] Well said! Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I can find a young man named Seishiro?  
  
Seishiro: [mildly put out] I'm older than you, you know. I can tell you where you can find him, but he'll be older when you find him than when you started looking for him. In any event, I'm the youngest person around with that name, unfortunately.  
  
Sorata: Oh, if you are Seishiro, I need to talk with you. [looking pointedly at Yuuto and Kusanagi] Alone.  
Kusanagi: [snickering] He's going to ask him out!  
  
Yuuto: [laughing too hard to make a reply]  
  
Seishiro: What is it?  
  
Yuuto: [starts singing something about food]   
Banana ga daisuki...ichigo to bruberi...  
Seishiro, will you be home for dinner?  
  
Seishiro: Yeah.  
  
Yuuto: Farewell, old man. [sings] Grandfather, grandfather, grandfather...  
Am I the only one who thinks this guy is mentally unbalanced?  
  
Kusanagi: No. Now we're supposed to exit. Come on. [They do so.]  
  
Sorata: Who on earth was that?  
  
Seishiro: Oh, don't mind him. He just likes to hear himself talk.  
  
Sorata: Well, if he says anything else bad about me, I'll beat him up. And if I can't, I'll find someone who will. Do you just stand by and watch as he does that sort of thing?  
  
Daisuke: If I thought he was doing harm my weapon would be out, and the law on my side.   
  
[Subaru, his mind sullied by too much time with Seishiro, chokes on his water]  
  
Sorata: I'm really peeved. Sir Seishiro, my...gentleman asked me to find you. But before I give you his message, a warning: if you should lie to him, it would be extremely inappropriate. He's young and if you treat him wrong, it would be a truly bad thing to do to any gentleman, and very weak of you.  
  
Subaru: Tell that to his Tokyo Babylon self…  
  
Seishiro: Sir, tell him that I mean well. I ask you-  
  
Sorata: Of course, of course. He'll be very happy.  
  
Seishiro: What will you say to him?  
  
Sorata: I will tell him that you protested at my speech, which shows that you have gentlemanly intent. [coughmutter] The gentleman doth protest to much, methinks. If his intent towards Subaru is anything but sexual, I will eat something not normally meant for human consumption.  
  
Seishiro: Tell him to find some way to come to shrift this afternoon; and there, at Friar Keichii's cell, he'll be married. Here is some money for your trouble.  
  
Sorata: No, sir, not a penny.  
  
Seishiro: Take it.  
  
Sorata: [does so] This afternoon? He'll be there.  
  
Seishiro: If you could wait behind the abbey wall, within the next hour my men will bring you a ladder. So I can sneak in tonight. Because [cough, leer] The marriage must be consummated. Thank you very much, and goodbye. Tell Subaru I said hi.  
  
Sorata: Bless you! Wait a second.  
  
Seishiro: Yes?  
  
Sorata: Your man can keep a secret?  
  
Seishiro: Oh, yes, even under torture.  
  
Sorata: Well, sir, my master is the sweetest boy- but there is a nobleman in town, Kamui, who's been after him. But he's not interested. I irritate him sometimes by telling him he's the proper man. But he gets pale when he thinks about Kamui... he has the sweetest dream about you and rosemary.  
  
Seishiro: Couldn't you have cut that down?  
  
Sorata: Probably.  
  
Seishiro: Right. Well, thank you very much. Tell Subaru I'm thinking of him.  
  
Sorata: Of course, a thousand times.  
  
[Seishiro exits]  
  
Sorata: Daisuke!  
  
Daisuke: Just a minute!  
  
Sorata: Take my fan and go back to the house.  
  
[Exit all] 


	10. Act 2, scene 5: In which...Sorata acteth...

SCENE V. Sumeragi's orchard.  
  
[Enter Subaru]  
  
Subaru: I sent Sorata off and nine and he promised to be back in half an hour. Maybe he couldn't find him! No, that can't be it.  
...Do I have to make this speech?  
Well...um...news of love should come as thoughts- much faster even than the sun's rays that chase away shadows. It's been three long hours that the sun's traveled today and Sora isn't back. I wish he was younger-  
  
Sora: You're older than me!   
  
Subaru: [unperturbed] And I'm not a girl.   
  
-I wish he was younger so he could get back faster with news. Oh! Here he comes! [starts biting nails off quickly, like in a Warner Bros. cartoon]  
  
[Sorata and Daisuke enter]  
Sora-chan! What's the news? Did you find him? Send your man away.  
  
Sorata: Daisuke, stay at the gate.  
  
Daisuke: [exits, muttering] Daisuke go here, Daisuke go there, Daisuke, please hold my fan. Daisuke please give me my fan...  
  
Subaru: Sora-chan! Tell me now- Oh, Lord, why do you look so sad? If it's good news you make it bad by telling while looking so unhappy.  
  
Sorata: I'm tired, let me alone awhile. Oooh, I ache. I've had such a long walk...!  
  
Subaru: You are a tease, Sora! And I'd give my bones for your news any day. Please, tell me!  
  
Sorata: [teasing some more] Jeez, what's your hurry? Can't you wait around awhile? Can't you tell I'm out of breath?  
  
Subaru: [much put out] You can't be out of breath if you're able to tell me you're out of breath. What a horrid excuse, you evil tease. [Sora, at this point, is indeed grinning evilly] Is it good or bad news? Just tell me that much.  
  
Sorata: All right, well you've given me a simple choice. You don't know how to choose a man, really. He's not a perfect gentleman. But I suppose he would never hurt a fly.   
  
Seishiro: But I won't object to killing humans…  
  
Subaru: [frustrated] I knew that already! What did he say about getting married? What about that?  
  
Sorata: [extremely evil expression] Ohhhh, I have such a bad headache! And my back! Ouch! You're so horrid for making me walk around to get sick and die while trying to deliver a message!  
  
Subaru: [slight sarcasm] Oh, I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. What did my love say? Tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me!  
  
Sorata: Your love says- like an honest, handsome, courteous, kind, and I think virtuous- where is your mother?  
  
Subaru: [his voice is reaching octaves not normally heard from a post-puberty guy] Where is my mother? Where is my mother? She's here in the house, where would she be? What a strange answer! Your love says, like an honest gentleman, "Where is your mother?"  
  
Sorata: Good grief! If you're so eager to know, deliver your own messages from now on.  
  
Subaru: [half-hysteric and half-pleading] Come on, what did Seishiro say?  
  
Sorata: Will you be able to get to church today?  
  
Subaru: ...Yes...  
  
Sorata: Then go to Friar Keichii's cell. There will be a man to make you his. Go on, go to the church. I have to go get a ladder for your love to climb in when it gets dark. I have to do all the work for you to be happy. [snicker] But you get to do the work tonight.  
  
Arashi: Sora, you pervert!  
  
Sora: [protesting] It's in the script!  
  
Subaru: Thank you, Sorata! Goodbye!  
  
[exit all] 


	11. Act 2, scene 6: In which...Subaru and Se...

SCENE VI. Friar Keichii's cell.  
  
Enter Keichii and Seishiro  
  
Keichii: The heavens smile on this holy act, and I hope that the smiles don't turn to sorrow.  
  
Seishiro: But no matter what sorrows come, they can't overcome the joy that one minute with him gives me. If you marry us, then death can do what he wants. It's enough that he's mine.  
  
Yuzuriha: [backstage] Foreshadowing!  
  
Keichii: But love can be like fire and gunpowder- dying in triumph. Don't love too passionately and you'll love longer. Too quickly can be as bad as too slow.  
  
Yuzuriha: [backstage, sing-song] More foreshadowing!  
  
Seishiro: Did he just tell me that we'll have a better marriage if we don't have sex too much?  
  
Sorata: [whipping out glasses and a textbook, looking mock serious] Actually, according to most psychologists, just the opposite tends to be true. As long as you keep it interesting.  
  
Seishiro: ...Moving right along.  
  
[Subaru enters]  
  
Keichii: Here comes the gentleman. He's very graceful. And stuff.  
  
Subaru: Good evening, sir.  
  
Keichii: Seishiro thanks you, for both of us.  
  
Subaru: As much thanks to him, or his thanks will be too much for me.  
…Say what?  
  
Seishiro: ...Look, sap!  
Subaru, if you're as happy as I am right now, you'll be able to come up with a better translation of this metaphor into common English. It's wonderful to see you again.  
  
Subaru: A poor man can count his wealth; a rich man can't, so he shows it in his things instead of numbers. My love has grown so much I'm like the rich man- I can't count it all.  
  
Keichii: Come on, we'll have you married quickly. You shall not stay alone, since the church will make two into one. 


	12. Act 3, scene 1: In which...shit hitteth ...

SCENE I. A public place.  
  
Seishiro: Oh, wonderful. The climactic scene. I'm going to overact, all right?  
[the others all nod, since none of them really care.]  
  
Enter Kusanagi, Yuuto, Page, and Servants   
  
Kusanagi: Yuuto, can we please go home? It's hot and the Sumeragi clan members are everywhere. If we run into any of them, there's sure to be a fight. It's hot and that upsets people.  
  
Yuuto: You're a hypocrite, Kusanagi. You're like a guy who walks into a tavern and puts his sword on a table, saying he doesn't need it. Then after the second drink, you draw your sword, when indeed you don't need to.  
  
Kusanagi: Am I really?  
  
Yuuto: Yes, you have as much of a temper as the next guy.   
  
Kusanagi: And your point?  
  
Yuuto: [makes a face at the next speech] Yes, and if there were two like you, the number would be quickly reduced to none, since you'd get into a brawl and kill each other. You would fight at any excuse- even with a guy who had one more or one less hair in his beard than you!  
  
Kusanagi: [interrupting] I don't have a beard.  
  
Yuuto: [rolls his eyes] I was trying to make a point. Fine, then, you would quarrel with a guy who has one more hair on his head. You would fight with a guy for cracking nuts or because he has blue eyes. Blah blah blah. Didn't you fight with a guy for wearing his new clothes before Easter? And despite all this, you lecture me about quarreling!  
  
Kusanagi: And if I fought as much as you, they'd be betting on how long I'd live. Uh-oh, here come the Sumeragi.  
  
Yuuto: I don't care.  
  
[Enter Hokuto and others]  
  
Hokuto: Stay close behind me- I'm going to speak with them. Gentlemen, may I have a word with one of you?  
  
Yuuto: [mock-astounded] Only a word? No fighting?  
  
Hokuto: You'll find out that I'm a good enough fighter if you irritate me. You consort with Seishiro-  
  
Yuuto: Consort! You make us sound like musicians or lovers!  
  
Kusanagi: We're in public...either we should go somewhere more private and talk over your grievances or leave. Here everyone watches us.  
  
Yuuto: Men's eyes were made to watch. Let them. I will not move because someone wants me to.  
  
[enter Seishiro]  
  
Hokuto: Never mind, here comes my man.  
  
Yuuto: But I'll eat my hat if he's part of your house.  
  
Yuzuriha: Dramatic irony! [several characters pause to stare]  
  
Hokuto: [ignoring Yuuto] [gleefully] Seishiro, you are a villian!  
  
Seishiro: [rolls eyes] CLAMP created me as such, yes.  
  
Hokuto: [elbows him] Har har.  
  
Seishiro: Hokuto, I have a good reason to love you, so I will ignore the way you greeted me. I am not a villain.  
  
Hokuto: But you just said you were!  
  
Seishiro: [ignoring her] I see you don't really know me, so goodbye!  
  
Hokuto: [cackling] Boy, this does-  
  
Seishiro: [raises eyebrow] I'm a lot older than you.  
  
Hokuto: [returning the favor and ignoring him] Boy, this does not excuse what you've done to me. Draw your sword!  
  
Seishiro: I object. I've never hurt you. In fact, I love you better than you can imagine-  
  
Hokuto: Yuck! Sei-chan, I don't like you like that! Haven't you been getting enough from my brother?  
  
Subaru: [offstage] H-h-hokuto!  
  
Seishiro: -but I can't tell you why I love you. So, good Sumeragi, you'll have to be satisfied with that.  
  
Yuuto: Seishiro, you suck.   
[draws his own sword] I'll fight you.  
  
Hokuto: What do you want with me?  
  
Yuuto: Queen of cats, nothing but one of your nine lives. Hurry up and draw.  
  
Hokuto: All right, if that's the way you want it- [draws]  
  
Seishiro: [overly whiny voice] Yuuto, stop!  
  
Yuuto: [ignores him, fights with Hokuto]  
  
Seishiro: Kusanagi, draw your weapon and make them stop! Gentlemen, stop! Kotori-sama has forbidden fighting in the streets- stop, Hokuto, Yuuto!  
[Hokuto stabs Yuuto by reaching under Seishiro's arm, where he's come between them to try to get them to stop. Hokuto runs off along with her followers.]  
  
Yuuto: Ouch.   
Curses on both your houses! Did he leave?  
  
Kusanagi: Are you hurt?  
  
Yuuto: [sarcastically] What do you think, genius?  
  
Kusanagi: Sheesh, I was just asking.  
  
Yuuto: Yes, I'm hurt, but it's only a scratch.  
[ala Monty Python] 'Tis only a flesh wound!  
Where is my page? Go get me a doctor.  
[page exits]  
  
Seishiro: Courage, Yuuto. You can't be hurt too badly. If you're still able to be a smart-ass.  
  
Yuuto: No, it's not as deep as a well-  
  
Seishiro: Oh, that's comforting.  
  
Yuuto: Nor is it as wide as a church door-  
  
Kusanagi: Yuuto, you're not as wide as a church door. I mean, obviously you can fit through them.  
  
Yuuto: -But it is enough. If you ask for me tomorrow, you shall find be a grave man.  
  
Seishiro: What a cheerful pun. And foreshadowing, too.  
  
Yuuto: [starts half-babbling] I am through, I think, with this world. A curse on both of your houses! A dog, a rat, a cat, a mouse to scratch a man to death! A bragger, a rogue, a villian that fights by the book of arithmetic! Why the devil did you get in the way? I was hurt under your arm.  
  
Seishiro: If I was Subaru, I'd start feeling seriously guilty about now. Fortunately, I'm not.  
-I thought it was all for the best...  
  
Yuuto: [half glaring at Seishiro, though he's having trouble keeping a straight face] Help me into a house, Kusanagi, before I faint. [yells] A curse on both of your houses! They have destroyed me!  
[Kusanagi exits, hauling Yuuto along]  
  
Seishiro: This gentleman, my friend, has gotten killed in my behalf. My reputation is stained with Hokuto's slander. Hokuto- she's only been my kinsman for an hour. Oh, Subaru, your beauty has made me effeminate-  
  
[Everyone starts rolling around on the ground laughing here. A few minutes later, they all get up and continue the play.]  
  
-Your beauty has made me effeminate. I was too nice to Hokuto.  
  
[Kusanagi reenters]   
  
Kusanagi: Oh, Seishiro, Seishiro-  
Wherefore art thou Seishiro?  
Sorry.  
Oh, Seishiro, Seishiro, brave Yuuto's dead!  
  
Seishiro: [scowling darkly] This will lead to more sorrow. This is only the beginning.  
  
Kusanagi: Here comes Hokuto back again.  
  
Seishiro: Alive, in triumph! When Yuuto is killed! Let me be furious now!  
  
[Hokuto reenters]  
  
Seishiro: Now, Hokuto, Yuuto's soul is just a little above our heads. He is waiting for company. One of us, or both, must go with him.  
  
Hokuto: You, wretched boy, you were his friend. You will go with him now.  
  
Seishiro: We shall see.  
[They fight; Hokuto takes the stage direction that tells her to "fall" quite literally, and hits the ground with a thump.]  
  
Kusanagi: Seishiro, leave! Hokuto is slain and the citizens are stirred up. Don't just stand there, Kotori will sentence you to death if you stay here. Go, go now!  
  
Seishiro: Oh, I am a fool!  
  
Kusanagi: [half-panicked, over acting] Why are you still here? Go, go!  
  
[Romeo exits, citizens (Keichii) enter]  
  
Keichii: Which way did the man who killed Yuuto go? Hokuto, the murderer, where did she go?  
  
Kusanagi: [looking ill] She's lying right there.  
  
Keichii: Get up and come with me. In Kotori's name, obey me.  
  
[Enter Kotori with attendants, Fuuma, Yuuto, Satsuki, Karen, and others]  
  
Kotori: Where are the horrid people who started this fight?  
  
Kusanagi: Oh, Kotori-sama, I can tell you exactly what happened in this fatal brawl. There lies the woman who killed your kinsman, Yuuto. She was killed by Seishiro.  
  
Karen: Hokuto, my cousin! Oh, my brother's child!-  
  
Hokuto: [lifting her head briefly from where she's pretending to be dead] You know where I come from, we call that a "niece".  
  
Karen: - Oh Kotori! Oh, cousin! Oh, Aoki! [gets irritated] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I have no vocabulary! Oh, the blood of my dear kinsman has been spilled! Kotori! For the blood of our family, kill one of Sakurazuka! Oh, cousin, cousin!  
  
Kotori: [rolling her eyes and ignoring her] Kusanagi, who started the battle?  
  
Kusanagi: Hokuto, lying here, not doing a very good job pretending to be dead. [Hokuto glares at him.] Seishiro told her to leave him alone and to think about how stupid the fight was and how displeased you'd be. He was quiet, calm, and gentle, but he could not make a truce with Hokuto. She was deaf to peace and fought Yuuto since Seishiro wouldn't fight. Seishiro kept trying to stop them, saying, "Stop! Friends, hold! Part!" More effectively than his words, he stepped between them. Hokuto wouldn't stop and stabbed Yuuto under Seishiro's arm and killed him. He left but then came back and Seishiro was now thinking of revenge. They fought like lightning, and before I could stop them, Hokuto was killed. As she fell, Seishiro ran. If this is not the truth, let me die.  
  
Karen: Damn, I'm whiny.  
He is a cousin of Seishiro. Love makes him lie. Twenty of them fought, and yet could kill only one. I beg for justice, which you must give. Seishiro killed Hokuto, so Seishiro must die!  
...Also I'm bloodthirsty.  
  
Kotori: Seishiro killed Hokuto, but Hokuto killed Yuuto. Who should owe the blood?  
  
Fuuma: Not Seishiro, my lady. He was Yuuto's friend. What he took was what the law would have taken anyway- Hokuto's life.  
  
Kotori: For killing Hokuto we exile Seishiro. I now have personal interest in this. For the hate between your two families, my own blood lies bleeding. I'll give you a fine so much that you'll all regret the loss of my kinsman, and I will not change my mind no matter how much you plead. So don't bother. Let Seishiro hurry away, for if he is found, he will be killed. [to her attendants, gesturing at Yuuto] Take this body and do my will. There will be no mercy for murderers.  
  
[all exit] 


	13. Act 3, scene 2: In which...Subaru is ups...

SCENE II. Sumeragi's orchard.  
  
Enter Subaru  
  
Subaru: [yawn] Here's an idea for you all: sleep is good.  
  
Karen: Someone keeping you up at night, Subaru?  
  
Subaru: [pulls out his script] Ahem. As I was saying. Hurry up, sun and set. Blah blah blah. Cause Seishiro's coming tonight- [glares at Sorata and Karen] And don't even say whatever you're thinking.  
  
Sorata: [waves his hands in mock-surrender] Wasn't gonna!  
  
Subaru: Hurry up and be night. Yeah. And Seishiro, hurry up. That's about all this speech says. [yawn] Oh, and make Seishiro a constellation when he dies- go ahead, Yuzuriha, get it out of your system.  
  
Yuzuriha: [sing song] FORE-Shadowing!  
  
Subaru: [cough cough blush at next part of speech]  
Um...even though I'm married, I haven't had sex yet. I want to have sex. Right now.  
  
Yuuto: [frowning at his script] Are you sure it says that? I didn't see that...  
  
Subaru: More or less, yes.  
Hey, here comes Sora!  
  
[Sora enters, holding some cords]  
  
Subaru: What news? Are those from Sora?  
  
Sora: [nervous] Yes, yes... [tosses them carelessly on the floor]  
  
Subaru: What's the news? Is something wrong?  
  
Sora: Oh, boy, here's the point where we start having problems with gender roles. Oh well, He's dead, he's dead. We're screwed! He's killed, he's dead!  
  
Subaru: Is heaven so jealous?  
  
Sorata: Seishiro is, though heaven is not. Oh, Seishiro, Seishiro! Who would have thought Seishiro would have done such a thing?  
  
[All the characters pause here to raise their hands. Seishiro glares at them all.]  
  
Seishiro: Har har.  
  
Subaru: You're evil to torture me this way? Has Seishiro killed himself? If you say yes...that word will be more poisonous than a black widow. Just- whatever it is, please tell me.  
  
Sora: [still blathering] I saw the wound! With me own eyes! A pathetic, bloody corpse...pale as ashes, all covered in blood. I passed out when I saw it.  
  
[backstage, Arashi makes a sound that seems suspiciously like an unlady-like snort.]  
  
Subaru: Oh, my poor heart is breaking!   
  
Sorata: [oblivious] Oh, Hokuto, Hokuto, the best friend I have- [pauses and pokes his head through the curtains to backstage] I'd just like to interject here to say that I didn't know Hokuto up until this stupid play, and while I think she's pretty cool, I wouldn't be that upset if she died.  
  
All: ....  
  
Sora: Uh...again, I mean. [returns to script]  
  
Oh, honest gentleman! I wish I hadn't lived to see your death!  
  
Subaru: Sorata, what are you talking about? Is Seishiro killed, and Hokuto dead? My dear cousin? Then it is doom for all, for who is worth living for if those two are gone?  
  
Seishiro: [backstage, dryly] How...eerily appropriate.  
  
Sora: Hokuto is gone, and Seishiro banished- Seishiro killed her, so he is banished.  
  
Subaru: Oh, God! Did Seishiro kill Hokuto?  
  
Sorata: I thought I just established that.  
  
Subaru: [rolls eyes] Well humor me and establish it again.  
  
Sorata: Yes, he did, he did! Curse the day he did!  
  
Subaru: Oh, horrible man who hid behind a beautiful face! [breaks into another spontaneous yawn, breaking the seriousness of the scene] An...a bunch of metaphors like "Dove feathered raven" and "damned saint" meaning that Seishiro is an evil bastard who's quite beautiful.  
  
Sorata: Men are evil. A curse on Seishiro!  
  
Subaru: Over simplifying much?  
  
Sorata: [big, fake yawn] Pot calling kettle?  
  
Subaru: I hope your tongue burns for making a wish like that! A curse is cursed if it tries to attack itself to him! Oh, it was horrible of me to say such horrid things about him!  
  
Sora: You'll say good things about the man that killed your cousin?  
  
Subaru: [irritated] Should I say bad things about the man that is my husband? Oh, Seishiro-san, who can repair your name when your own husband of three hours has mangled it? But...why did you kill my cousin? Wait...of course, my horrible cousin would have killed you. Stop, tears. Tears are only for sorrow, not joy. After all, my husband is alive, when Hokuto would have killed him. And Hokuto, who would have killed my husband, is dead. This is all good news- so why am I weeping? Oh, there was word worse than that of Hokuto's death. I wish I could forget it- but "Hokuto is dead and Seishiro banished." [yawn] Blah...blah...blah...it sucks. [wail] I want my mommy and daddy! Sora, where are they?  
  
Sorata: Mourning over Hokuto's corpse. Do you want to go to them? I can take you there.  
  
Subaru: [yawn] Damn, now I won't get to have sex.  
  
Sorata: Go to your room. I'll find Seishiro to [cough, snicker] comfort you.  
  
[A few seconds later, when this sinks in, much muffled laughter is heard backstage.]  
  
Sorata: Seishiro will be here tonight- I bet he is at Keiichi's cell, and I'll be able to find him there.  
  
Subaru: Oh, find him, and give him my ring! And tell him to come have sex with me!  
  
Sorata: ...One track mind, Subaru?  
  
Subaru: You just had to get that out of your system, didn't you? [yawn] And now I'm going to get some sleep.  
  
[all exit] 


	14. Act 3, scene 3: In which...Seishiro acte...

SCENE III. Friar Keiichi's cell.  
  
[Enter Friar Keiichi]  
  
Keiichi: You know, this is still not funny.-_-;  
Come on, Seishiro. You can come hide in here.  
  
[Seishiro enters]  
  
Seishiro: Keiichi, what have you heard? What has Kotori said about me?  
  
Keiichi: ...I have bad news. But you knew that, didn't you.  
  
Seishiro: Well, it can't be worse than a death sentence.  
  
Sora: [offstage] Never say that it can't be worse because that's when Murphy's law will find a way to make it worse.  
  
Keiichi: Actually, she was generous. Not your death, but your banishment.  
  
Seishiro: Banishment! Tell me that it is death! Death is merciful!   
  
Keiichi: [unperturbed] You are banished from Tokyo. But be patient. The world is a big place, after all.  
  
Seishiro: But if I'm banished from here, I'm banished from the world- from the only world I know. And being banished from the world is like saying "death" . By saying banishment, you put your hand through my chest and smile.  
  
Hokuto: [offstage] Not that we know anyone who would do something like that.  
  
Seishiro: Quiet, you.  
  
Hokuto: Hey, I don't have any more lines since you killed me. I have to do something.  
  
Keiichi: Bad, bad Seishiro! This is mercy! Can't you see that?  
  
Seishiro: [raising eyebrow] No, it is torture! Heaven is here, where Subaru lives. Every cat, dog, mouse, and every unworthy little animal may live here and look upon him, but I may not! ...Blah blah blah. I am banished; other men are free to look upon Subaru, and I am not! Yet you say my exile is not death?  
Banished is a word used by the damned in Hell. How can you tell me this?!  
  
Keiichi: OK, OK, wait and listen to me for a moment.  
  
Seishiro: No, you will speak of banishment!  
  
Keiichi: I will give you some comfort to use as armor against banishment.  
  
Seishiro: Screw your ideas and comfort! Unless your words can bring me Subaru, move a town, reverse Kotori's word, then it doesn't help. Don't say anything else.  
  
Keiichi: So madmen have no ears.  
  
Seishiro: Well, you can't expect them to when wise men have no eyes.  
  
Keiichi: Let me object to that.  
  
Seishiro: No! You should not talk about something you don't understand or feel! If you were my age, with Subaru your love, married for an hour, Hokuto murdered, and you banished...then you might speak. You would pull your hair and fall upon the ground the way I do now, showing exactly how big your grave needs to be!  
  
[A knock]  
  
Keiichi: Move, Seishiro, someone's at the door. Hide.  
  
Seishiro: I won't hide.  
  
[more knocking]  
  
Keiichi: They are really knocking. Who's there? Seishiro, for goodness' sake get up or they'll take you away.   
  
[knocking]  
  
Hurry, run to my study! Hang on a second! I'm coming, I'm coming!  
  
[knocking]  
  
Who is knocking so hard and why? What do you want?  
  
Sorata: [outside] Let me come in and you'll know what I want. I've been sent by Lord Subaru.  
  
Keiichi: Ah. Come in then.  
  
[Sorata enters]  
  
Sorata: Sir, can you tell me where Subaru's lord is at? Where is Seishiro?  
  
Keiichi: [disgusted, gesturing behind him] There, on the ground, drunk on his own tears.  
  
[Seishiro is muffling laughter]   
  
Sora: Oh, he's just like Subaru! He's lying just the same way, blubbering and weeping, weeping and blubbering.  
Come on, Seishiro. Stand up, stand up and be a man. For Subaru's sake, stand up.  
  
Seishiro: Sora!  
  
Sora: Seishiro!  
  
Seishiro: You said Subaru? How is he? Does he think I'm a murderer? I have stained our joy with the blood of his cousin...Where is he and how is he? And what does he say about our former love?  
  
Sorata: He says nothing...just weeps and weeps. He falls on his bed and then gets up and cries for Hokuto, and then for you, and then he falls down again.  
  
Seishiro: Oh, it's as if just my name killed Hokuto...Oh, Keiichi, tell me. Which part of me holds my name? I wish to cut it off! [draws sword]  
  
[Yuuto, backstage, muffles snickers]  
  
Seishiro: [glares in his direction] Pervert.  
  
Keiichi: Stop it, Seishiro! Are you a man? You look like one, but you're sure acting like a woman.  
  
Seishiro: [sullen] Sure, someone needs to go say that to Subaru, too.   
  
Keiichi: You amaze me, Seishiro, I thought you were stronger.  
  
Seishiro: Me too.  
  
Keiichi: [glaring, since Seishiro keeps interjecting into his speeches]  
Did you kill Hokuto? Will you kill yourself? And by killing yourself, kill Subaru who lives for you? You put your life, your love, your body, and your wit to shame. Blah. Blah. Blah. You're killing the love that you vowed to cherish...more stuff...Subaru is alive- it is thanks to him you began to live again recently. There is something you have. Hokuto would have killed you, but instead you killed her. There is something you have. The law that said you should die became your friend and changed to exile. There is something you have. You have many blessings and happiness is courting you, but you act like you have terrible fortune and terrible love. People like that die miserably. Go to your love as he wished. Go to his room and [cough] comfort him. But make sure you're out before the morning watch is set or you won't be able to escape to Kyoto. You will live there until we can find a way to announce your marriage and get Kotori to forgive you. Then we'll call you back and it will be ten thousand times more joyous than your leaving was sad. Go, Sorata, tell Subaru I send my greetings and tell her to get everyone to go to bed early since they are all mourning and need to.   
Seishiro is coming.  
  
Sorata: Oh, I could have stayed her all night to hear good advice. Your learning serves you well. I'll tell Subaru.  
  
Seishiro: Do so, and tell my love to prepare for my [cough] coming.  
  
Yuuto: Who's a pervert?  
  
Sorata: Here, sir, he asked me to give you this ring. I better hurry; it is getting late.  
[exits]  
  
Seishiro: I feel much better now.  
  
Keiichi: Go on, good night. Here's your situation: Either be gone by the time the watchmen are out or be disguised. Stay in Kyoto. I'll communicate to you by one of your servants and let you know what's going on. Goodnight and goodbye!  
  
Seishiro: Goodbye!  
[all exit]  
  
Subaru: [offstage, inanely] Yay! I get to have sex after all! 


	15. Act 3, scene 4: In which...Aoki screwet...

SCENE IV. A room in Sumeragi's house.  
  
[Enter Aoki, Karen, and Kamui]  
  
Kamui: Yay! Finally something to do!  
  
Aoki: Sir, some unlucky things have happened, so we haven't had time to talk to our son. He loved his kinsman Hokuto dearly, and so did I. Well, we were born to die. It's very late and he won't be down tonight. I would have been in bed an hour ago if you weren't here.  
  
Kamui: I understand. Times of mourning give no time for courting. Good night, madam. Tell your son I send my best.   
  
Karen: I will, and I will find out what he feels tomorrow.  
  
Subaru: [loudly from backstage] How do you THINK I feel??!  
  
Karen: Tonight he is locked up in his room mourning.  
  
Aoki: Kamui-san, I will make a desparate offer of my child's love. I think he will listen to me. No, I know he will. Karen, talk with him before you go to bed and let him know of Kamui's love. Tell him next Wednesday- what day is it?  
  
Kamui: Monday, Aoki-san.  
  
Aoki: Monday! Well, Wednesday is too soon. On Thursday, then. Tell him on Thursday he will be married to this nobleman. Will you be ready? We won't make a big fuss, just invite a friend or two. After all, with Hokuto killed so recently, people may think we didn't care about her if we have too big a party. We'll have about half a dozen friends. How does Thursday sound?  
  
Kamui: I wish that Thursday were tomorrow.  
  
Aoki: Well, go on, good night then. On Thursday it will be. Karen, speak with Subaru before you go to bed. Prepare him for getting married. Farewell, Kamui-san. Someone bring a light to my chamber. It is so late that soon it will be early. Good night.  
[All exit]  
  
Subaru: ....  
Well, crap.  
  
Seishiro: My thoughts exactly. [smirks] Well, I'll just have to ravish you while I have the chance.  
  
Subaru: Eep! [blush]  
  
[Subaru is dragged off to parts unknown by Seishiro] 


	16. Act 3, scene 5: In which...Things goeth ...

Seishiro: [yawning] I'm feeling lazy. How about you, Subaru-kun?  
  
Subaru: Un. Abbreviate?  
  
Sorata: OK, less sex and more sleep for you two.  
  
Seishiro: Just cause you're not getting laid...  
  
Sorata: [holds up recent Asuka] I am! I am! I am the luckiest guy in the world!  
  
[Arashi grabs the Asuka from him and smacks him over the head with it.]  
  
Arashi: [clearing throat] Ahem. I'd thank you not to get into our private life here. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.  
  
SCENE V. Sumeragi's orchard.  
  
[Enter Seishiro and Subaru above, at the window]  
  
Subaru: Why are you leaving? It's not even day time yet.  
  
Seishiro: Is so.  
  
Subaru: Is not.  
  
Sorata: Awww...they're arguing like an old married couple.  
  
[Arashi smacks him with the Asuka again and he gives her a sulky beaten-puppy look but shuts up.]  
  
Seishiro: OK, fine. It isn't day yet. My Subaru-kun says it isn't, so it isn't. And even if they take me and kill me, it doesn't matter. It's not day yet.  
  
Subaru: It is! It's morning. Go, leave now.  
  
Seishiro: OK, so now you agree with me.  
  
Subaru: That wasn't what he said.  
  
Seishiro: So?  
  
Subaru: ...  
  
[Sorata enters]  
  
Sorata: Sir!  
  
Subaru: Sora.  
  
Seishiro: Does anyone get the feeling there are too many "S" names in this scene?  
  
Sorata: ...Anyway. Karen is coming here. It's day and you need to be careful.  
[exits]  
  
Seishiro: [sticks his tongue out] I told you, nyah nyah.  
  
Subaru: OK, you can sneak out through the window.  
  
Seishiro: OK, give me a goodbye kiss and I'll leave. [grabs Subaru and sweeps him back for a rather long, involved kiss]  
  
[Karen walks in as a joke, giggles, and winks.]   
Karen: Oopsie. Sorry, Subaru, I didn't know you were sleeping with a guy from our evil nemesis's family. I'll just leave you alone now.  
  
Seishiro: Back to your regularly scheduled script…  
...Now I'm supposed to "goeth" down. Why "goeth"? Why couldn't this guy just say "go"? I mean, I goeth and cometh and sleepeth and haveth sexeth, except he doesn't say that in so many words.   
  
CLAMP: Seishiro...  
  
Seishiro: OK, OK, I'm going.  
  
Subaru: Don't forget to write!  
  
Seishiro: I won't!  
  
Subaru: Will we ever see each other again?  
  
Seishiro: Of course, and all our pain will pay off. [gives a very big faked cough that sounds an awful lot like "Yeah right".]  
  
Subaru: Oooh. That's bad. I swear you look as pale as if you were dead.  
  
Yuzuriha: [singsong] ForeSHAdowING!  
  
Seishiro: You look pale, too.  
  
Subaru: Oh, thanks.  
  
Seishiro: No, seriously. We're both so sad we've lost all the blood from our faces. And with those lovely words...goodbye! [exits]  
  
Subaru: Fate sucks.  
  
Karen: What ho-  
  
Yuuto: Kanoe.  
  
Karen: Right. Anyway. Subaru, are you up?  
  
Subaru: [straight-faced] Mom, is that you? What is she doing up so early?  
  
[Karen enters. Again.]  
  
Karen: How are you?  
  
Subaru: Not so good.  
  
Karen: Still crying for Hokuto? All your tears will wash her out of her grave. However, all your crying will not bring her back to life, so perk up. Some grief shows how much you love her, but too much grief shows a lack of intelligence.  
  
Subaru: Please, let me still mourn. I have had such a great loss...  
  
Karen: But you don't really feel anything but the loss. You are not really weeping for Hokuto.  
  
Subaru: I'm weeping for the loss, so I am weeping for Hokuto. [under his breath] OK, this is kind of a stupid argument. Let's get on with it.  
  
Karen: [hiding an amused smile] Well, perhaps you're more upset that his murderer is still alive.  
  
Yuzuriha: [singsong] DraMATic IronY!  
  
[Everyone pauses and stares at her.]  
  
Yuzuriha: [shrug] AP English.  
  
Subaru: What murderer?  
  
Karen: That murderer Seishiro.  
  
Subaru: [aside] I hope he's far from here, even though he is a murderer. God pardon him! I know I do, with all my heart  
[to Karen]...Yet no man but he causes my heart so much pain.[1]  
  
Karen: That's because the murderous traitor is still alive.  
  
Subaru: Yes, I wish I could avenge Hokuto's death.  
  
Karen: We will have revenge for it, don't worry. I'll send someone to Kyoto and poison him.  
  
Subaru: [looking appropriately vaguely horrified] Sounds good to me...  
  
Karen: [waving her hand carelessly] I'll have it done. But now I have some good news for you.  
  
Subaru: Oh, good, I need some good news. Or some Prozac.  
  
Karen: Your father has done something very nice for you that neither of us have expected. There will be a day of joy.   
  
Subaru: What day is that? [under breath] Get on with it already.  
  
Karen: Married, my son, next Thursday morning. Kamui-sama at Saint Peter's Church will happily make you a joyful bri-...er....groom.  
  
Kamui: [offstage] Yeah, right.  
  
Subaru: Too late, I eloped with Seishiro a couple days ago. Is that OK with you, mom?  
  
Karen: ...  
  
Subaru: [back to the regular script, horrified] Now by Saint Peter's Church and Peter too, I will not be a joyful groom! Why such haste, that I must get married to him before he's even courted me! Tell my father that I will not marry yet. And when I do get married, I would rather marry Seishiro, whom you hate, than Kamui.  
  
Karen:....  
  
Subaru: No, that was really in the script.  
  
Karen: Well, here comes your father, you can tell him yourself and see what he has to say.  
  
[Aoki and Sorata enter]  
  
Aoki: What, still crying, boy? You seem to be trying to be a flood or something, you're crying so much. Karen, have you told him?  
  
Karen: Yes, but he refuses...  
  
Aoki: What do you mean, he refuses? Does he not thank us? Isn't he proud? Doesn't he count his blessings, since even though he is unworthy we have found such a wonderful man to be his bridegroom?  
  
Subaru: [under breath] Sure I would, if I hadn't eloped with Seishiro...  
  
Subaru: Not proud, but thankful. I can never be proud of something I hate. But to love you is to be thankful even for something I hate.  
  
Aoki: What are you going on about? Stop it with the "thankings" and "prouds" and all of that nonsense. Just get used to the idea that on Thursday you'll go with Kamui to Saint Peter's Church or I'll drag you there.   
  
Karen: Don't you think that's a bit extreme, dear?  
  
Subaru: Good father, will you let me speak without interruption for a few minutes?  
  
Aoki: Quiet! You disobedient child! I'll tell you that you will go to church on Thursday or you will never be allowed to look me in the face again. Do not speak. Karen, we thought we were blessed with this single child, but obviously he was one too many and he is a curse.  
  
Subaru: ...So that was a no?  
  
Sorata: God bless him! Isn't that going a bit far, Aoki-sama?  
  
Aoki: Quiet, Sorata. Have a little common sense and no gossiping. Leave.  
  
Sorata: I said nothing wrong!  
  
Aoki: Go!  
  
Sorata: May no one speak?  
  
Aoki: [under breath] I feel so...out of character.  
  
Quiet, you fool. You may preach to your gossipy friends, but our house doesn't need it.  
  
Karen: Calm down...  
  
Aoki: But it makes me mad that I've done so much work to find him a husband. And now that I've found such a good match, a nice guy, a noble, a young man, and noble...almost the perfect guy-  
  
...I'd like to interject here to re-establish my straightness.  
  
Subaru: Yeah, yeah. Get on with it.  
  
Aoki: Anyway, now Subaru starts whining, "I'm too young, I can't love, don't make me marry."  
Well, fine. Don't marry then. But if you don't, you will no longer live in this house.  
  
[exits]  
  
Subaru: Does fate have no pity for me? Mother, please don't throw me out! If you'll wait for a month, a week, to make me get married- but if you won't, then the bridal bed will be in the monument where Hokuto lies.  
  
Karen: Don't talk to me- I won't reply. You can do as you want, but I won't have anything more to do with you.  
  
[exits]  
  
Sorata: [sarcastically] OK, you two do not make good parents. I forbid you from having children together.  
  
Subaru: Oh, God! Sorata, what should I do? How can I stop this? My husband is on earth but my faith has gone on to heaven. How can I get my faith back unless my husband dies and sends it from heaven? Comfort me and give me some advice, Sora. Oh, that the fates should play such tricks on someone as gentle as me. Sora- don't be so quiet! Don't you have something comforting to say?  
  
Sorata: All I can say is this...  
Seishiro is banished and might as well be dead. He will never dare to come back for you. Or if he does, it will have to be by stealth. Since this is the situation, I think it would be best if you married the Magami lord. He's a good boy. Seishiro's a dishcloth compared to him.   
  
Seishiro: [offstage] Thanks.  
  
Sorata: I know I sound callous, but I think Kamui will make you happy. It is better than your first match. Even if it doesn't, Seishiro might as well be dead.  
  
Subaru: Is that really how you feel?  
  
Sorata: Yes. I spoke from my heart and soul. And if I lie, let my heart shrivel up.  
  
Subaru: Amen!  
  
Sorata: What?  
  
Subaru: You've made me feel much better.  
  
Sorata: I did? Oh, I mean, of course I did!  
  
Subaru: Go and tell my mother that, since I have made my father angry, I'm going to Keiichi's cell for confession.  
[mutter] Yeah, Keiichi's cell? Shouldn't this send off alarm lights in Sorata's head?  
  
Sorata: Of course. This is a wise decision.   
[exits]  
  
Subaru: Curse him! Oh, he's horrible! Is it worse that he wishes me to go to Kamui? Or that he says such horrible things about Seishiro with the same tongue he used to use to praise him? I no longer place my trust in you, Sorata.   
  
Sorata: [offstage] Biiiiig mistake.  
  
Subaru: I'm going to go to Keiichi and find out what he thinks I should do. If there's nothing else, I have the power to die.  
  
[exits]  
  
[1] I'm truthfully not sure where the aside ends in this line...so I guessed. Lady Capulet is responding to what Juliet said in the last sentence, so the whole thing can't be aside, but it's not clearly marked in the script I have. *shrug* Oh well, it's not the end of the world. 


	17. Act 4, scene 1: In which...Keiichi and S...

SCENE I. Friar Keiichi's cell.  
  
[Enter Keiichi and Kamui]  
  
Keiichi: On Thursday? Isn't that awfully soon?  
  
Kamui: My father Aoki wants it that way, and I have no reason to object.   
  
Keiichi: But you say you don't know what Subaru thinks. I don't like it.  
  
Kamui: He's weeping so much for Hokuto's death, so I didn't talk much of love...His father thinks that it's dangerous for him to be so sad, so he's speeded up our marriage. He thinks Subaru's spending too much time alone. So there is a good reason for our haste.  
  
Keiichi: [aside] I wish I didn't know the reason it should be slowed down.   
Look, here comes Subaru.  
  
[Subaru enters]  
  
Kamui: Good to see you, my lord and husband!  
  
Subaru: I am not your husband yet.  
  
Kamui: You will be, on Thursday.  
  
Subaru: What will be will be.  
  
Keiichi: How true. Hey, Kamui, since he's going to die before he marries you, how about you marry me instead?  
  
Kamui: O.o  
...[to Subaru] Did you come to confession?   
  
Subaru: None of your business.  
  
Kamui: Do not tell him that you don't love me.  
  
Subaru: I will tell you that I love him.  
  
Kamui: And I'm sure you'll tell him that you love me.  
  
Subaru: If I did, it would be harder to say it behind your back than to your face.  
  
Kamui: And your face tells me you've been crying.  
  
Subaru: Not that it makes much difference.  
  
Kamui: Yes it does! Your face is lovely! Don't say horrible things about it!  
  
Subaru: I didn't say anything but the truth, and I said it to my face, not to you.  
  
Sorata: They're arguing like an old married couple!  
  
Seishiro: [attempts to glare Sorata to death]  
  
Kamui: Your face belongs to me.  
  
Subaru: [with large hints of sarcasm] Oh, of course it is yours, since it is not mine. Keiichi, are you busy now? Or would evening mass be a better time?  
  
Keiichi: Now is fine. Kamui-sama, we need some time alone.  
  
Kamui: Of course! I would not disturb devotion! Subaru, early on Thursday I'll wake you up. Till then, goodbye, and keep this holy kiss. [kisses Subaru. Seishiro switches his glare-o-vision to Kamui.]  
[Kamui exits]  
  
Subaru: [trying to discreetly wipe his mouth] Shut the door and come weep with me. I am past hope, past cure, past help!  
  
Yuuto: I don't know, have you talked to Freud?  
  
Keiichi: Wasn't Seishiro just in here acting like this?   
Oh, Subaru, I know your grief. It's hurting my brain trying to come up with something. I hear that nothing will stop your marriage- have we established yet that it's on Thursday?  
  
Subaru: Don't tell me that unless you know what to do to stop it! [grabbing a knife from his boot] If, in your wisdom, you can't help me, just tell me so, and this knife will stop my marriage.  
God joined my heart to Seishiro's, and you joined our hands, and you sealed up together. If I marry or fall in love with another, I will slay both bonds. Therefore, give me some idea of what to do, or I'll kill myself now. Don't take too long speaking, for I long to die, unless you know how to fix this.  
  
Keiichi: Don't kill yourself yet; I do have an idea, but it will require courage. If, rather than marry Kamui, you will kill yourself, then I think this will work. You will face death himself to escape death- if you dare, I'll give you the potion.  
  
Subaru: I would jump of that tower over there rather than marry Kamui-  
  
Kamui: This is doing wonders for my ego.  
  
Subaru: -Sorry. You know I don't mean it.   
Or I would become a thief or walk through a pit of snakes or be chained with bears, etc. etc. I will do anything that has frightened me before to avoid cheating on Seishiro.  
  
Kamui: ...Oh. Well, that's all right then.  
  
Keiichi: All right, then. Go home, be happy, agree to marry Kamui. Tomorrow is Wednesday; ask to be alone tomorrow night. Don't let your nurse in your chamber. Take this vial and drink the whole potion. Quickly your blood will turn cold and you'll have no pulse. You will be cold and breathless and nothing will tell that you live. You'll pale and your eyes will shut and you'll look as though you are dead. This state will last for eighty hours and then you'll awaken as if you'd just been sleeping. When Kamui comes in the morning to wake you, you'll be dead. You'll be dressed in your best clothes and taken to the vault where all the Sumeragi lie. In the meantime, I'll write Seishiro and let him know about the plans so he can take you to Kyoto. As long as you don't fear or have doubts, it should work.  
  
Subaru: Give me it! Don't tell me about fear!  
  
Keiichi: All right. Leave and be strong in your decision. I'll send someone to Kyoto with letters to Seishiro.  
  
Subaru: Lord, give me strength! Goodbye, Keiichi!  
  
[all exit] 


	18. Act 4, scene 2: In which...Subaru apolog...

SCENE II. Hall in Sumeragi's house.  
  
[Enter Aoki, Karen, Sorata, and two Serving men (Keiichi)]  
  
Aoki: Why do I have to be the bad guy, anyway?   
Anyway. Here's the guest list.  
  
[Keiichi exits with the list, then comes back in because he has to be the other serving guy.   
-_-;]  
Go hire me twenty good cooks.  
  
Keiichi: [now the second servant] Yes, sir. I'll make sure they lick their own fingers.  
  
[Kamui, backstage, turns vaguely red. Karen giggles.]  
  
Aoki: What?  
  
Kamui: [muttered] That was pretty much my reaction.  
  
Keiichi: Well, if they won't eat their own food as they're cooking it, then they must not be very good cooks.  
  
Aoki: Oh, OK. Go on, then.  
[Keiichi exits]  
My son's gone to Friar Keiichi?  
  
[a groan is heard from Keiichi, backstage]  
  
Sora: Yeah.  
  
Aoki: Well, maybe he'll talk some sense into Subaru. He's being such a harlot!  
  
Subaru: [backstage] Oi!  
  
Sorata: Here he comes, and he looks happy.  
  
[Subaru enters]  
  
Aoki: Hello, my headstrong son! Where have you been at?  
  
Subaru: [eyes downcast] Where I was told to repent for being disobedient to you and your requests. Friar Keiichi asks that I bow before you and ask for your forgiveness. I'm sorry! From now on I will do as you say.  
  
Aoki: Go to Kamui and tell him. We'll have them married tomorrow morning.  
  
Subaru: I saw him at Keiichi's and gave him what love I could. But I didn't overstep the bounds of decency.  
  
Aoki: Oh, this is good. Bring Kamui to me anyway. I'd like to talk to him. Our whole city is grateful to the holy Keiichi.  
  
Subaru: [neutrally] Sorata, will you help me pick out my clothes for tomorrow?  
  
Karen: No, wait until tomorrow. There is enough time.  
  
Aoki: Go, Sorata. Go with him. We'll have the wedding tomorrow.  
  
[Exit Subaru and Sorata]  
  
Karen: It's almost night. Let's have dinner and go to bed.  
  
Aoki: No, I'll be up getting things ready. Go to Subaru and help him get ready. I'm not going to bed tonight. Leave me alone. I'll do your work for once. Ah...no one's awake. Well, I'll walk to Kamui's to let him know. I'm very happy that my son is behaving again.  
  
[all exit] 


	19. Act 4, scene 3: In which...Subaru preten...

SCENE III. Subaru's bedroom  
  
[Subaru and Sorata enter]  
  
Subaru: Yeah, I think that outfit is best. But Sorata, will you please leave me by myself tonight? I need to pray.  
  
[Karen enters]  
  
Karen: Are you busy? Do you need my help?  
  
Subaru: No, we have gotten ready. So if it's OK, I'd like to please be left alone, and let Sorata go with you, too, since you'll need his help. After all, there are still a lot of preparations.  
  
Karen: All right. Go to bed soon. You'll need your rest.  
  
[Karen and Sorata exit]  
  
Subaru: [starry eyes] Long speech...  
  
Goodbye, mother. Who knows when I'll see you again. I am afraid- I feel like I'm nearly scared to death. I want to call Sorata and mother back to comfort me. Well, what would Sorata be able to do, though. I must do this by myself. I'll get the vial. What if this doesn't work? Will I be married tomorrow?  
[picks up his dagger from nearby] No. This will prevent it. I'll leave it right where I can reach it.   
[puts it next to his bed] What if this is a poison that Keiichi has made? After all, it would be dishonorable for him to marry me tomorrow, since he already married me to Seishiro. And what if my family found out that? I'm afraid that it could be true, but I think it isn't. After all, he is a good and holy man. What if, when I'm lying in my tomb, I wake up before Seishiro is there to get me? That's a scary idea! Will I suffocate in the vault and die before Seishiro comes? Or if I don't suffocate, wouldn't it be horribly frightening? All the bones of my ancestors and Hokuto are in there. There could be ghosts. Oh, oh, I could go mad in there. Oh, I think I see Hokuto's ghost coming to get Seishiro, who killed her. Stay, Hokuto! Don't come any nearer! [holds up the vial] Seishiro, a toast to you. [He falls down upon his bed, hidden by the curtains around the bed.] 


	20. Act 4, scene 4: In which...Nothing much ...

SCENE IV. Hall in Sumeragi's house.  
  
[Enter Karen and Sorata]  
  
Karen: Sorata, here, take these keys and fetch some more spices.  
  
Sorata: And we need dates and quinces for the pastries...  
  
[Aoki enters]  
  
Aoki: Come, hurry, hurry, hurry! It's three o'clock, fix the food, make it look nice, don't worry about cost!  
  
Sorata: You know, I thought we were having a "small" party...  
  
Aoki: This is small.  
  
Sorata: ...Oh.  
Both of you need to go to bed or you'll be sick tomorrow. Er...today.   
  
Aoki: No I won't! I've done it before, for less important things, and not gotten sick!  
  
Karen: All right, but Sorata's right. I'm going to bed.  
  
[Karen and Sorata exit]  
  
Aoki: Hurry, hurry!  
  
Keiichi: Um, guys? Help?  
  
[Kamui looks over his shoulder again.] Kamui: Right...Keiichi, you be the first servant. Yuzuriha, who obviously needs something to do, can go be the second servant. And Arashi, go stand on and look pretty.  
  
[enter Yuzuriha, Keiichi, and Arashi as servants, carrying plates, baskets, and decorations]  
  
Aoki: What do you guys have?  
  
Keiichi: Things for the cook, but I'm not sure what they are.  
  
Aoki: All right, hurry, hurry.  
  
[Keiichi exits]  
  
Aoki: [to Yuzuriha] Get some different decorations, those are ugly. Go call Daisuke. He'll help you find some.  
  
Yuzuriha: I can find some better ones and not disturb Daisuke.  
  
[exits]  
  
Aoki: This is very stressful. I think I hear Kamui coming.   
  
[trumpets]  
  
Aoki: Sorata! Karen! Hey! Sorata, come here!  
  
[Sorata reenters]   
  
Aoki: Go wake up Subaru, tidy him up, and I'll go and talk to Kamui. Hurry, here he comes. Hurry!   
  
[all exit] 


	21. Act 4, scene 5: In which...the character...

SCENE V. Subaru's bedroom.  
  
[Enter Sorata]  
  
Sorata: Subaru! Oi, Subaru! Hey, you lazy child! Get up! Subaru, sweetie, wake up! Groom, why are you not awake yet? Hey, say something! Well, you'll need your sleep, since I imagine Kamui will be keeping you up.   
  
[Subaru twitches marginally in the bed, then returns to playing "dead".]  
  
He is really sound asleep. But I need to wake him up. Sir. Sir! If you don't wake up, I'll send Kamui up here.  
  
[Sorata pulls the curtains open]  
  
What, did you wake up and get dressed and then go back to sleep? I need to wake you. Sir! Sir! Wake up!  
  
[There is a pause as Sorata finally realizes that Subaru is not going to wake up. The "dead" body lets out a cough that sounds a lot like 'finally!']  
  
Sorata: Oh, God! Oh no! Help, help, my lord is dead! Oh, no! My lord! My lady!  
  
[Enter Karen]  
  
Karen: What's going on? Did you call?  
  
Sorata: Oh, horrible day!  
  
Karen: What's the matter?  
  
Sorata: Look! Look! Oh, terrible day!  
  
Karen: Oh me, oh me! My child, my only child! [crying] Wake up, wake up, please! Wake up or I'll die with you! Help, call help!  
  
[Enter Aoki]  
  
Aoki: Hurry up, bring Subaru out. Kamui is waiting!  
  
[The other three characters in the room, including Subaru, all glare at him.]  
  
Aoki: [raises his hands in a defensive gesture] It's in the script, it's not my fault.  
  
Sorata: He's dead, deceased- [pauses] expired, gone, no longer living. See the little "X"es where his eyes should be! That is a dead parrot!  
  
Karen: He's dead, he's dead, he's dead!  
  
Aoki: Let me see him-  
  
Karen: What, you don't think I can tell when my own son is dead?  
  
Aoki: -Oh, he's cold! His blood no longer runs! [looks at rest of speech and revises it]  
Yep, he's dead all right.  
  
Sorata: Curse the day! It's a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! [the "corpse" behind him calmly smacks him.]  
  
Karen: Oh, woeful time!  
  
Aoki: Death that has taken him from here to make me cry has tied my tongue. I cannot speak.  
  
[Kamui, Keiichi, and some musicians played by Yuzuriha and Arashi enter. The "corpse" mutters something to the effect of "here we go again."]  
  
Aoki: [to Subaru] Can you pretend to be realistically dead for the rest of the scene?  
  
[There is no response from Subaru, who now has his eyes closed and hands crossed over his chest in a mockery of an Egyptian sarcophagus]  
  
Keiichi: Is Subaru ready to go to the church?  
  
Aoki: Ready to go, but never will return! [to Kamui] Oh, my son, the night before your wedding, Death lay with your husband.  
  
[There is a pause here as everyone glances toward Seishiro, except Subaru, who is still obediently "dead".]  
  
Sorata: In this case, that almost has a double meaning.  
  
Aoki: There he lies, his virginity taken by my son-in-law Death. Death is my heir, my son has wedded death. It all belongs to Death!  
  
Kamui: After all my waiting for this morning, it gives me a sight like this?  
  
Karen: Cursed, sad, wretched, hateful day! Have we had enough yelling at the day yet? All right, then, I'll switch to the hour.  
Most miserable hour that Time has ever seen in all his eternity! Oh, my poor, one poor, loving child! The only comfort is that I did not have to see him die!  
  
Sorata: Oh, woeful, woeful day! I say this several times.  
  
Kamui: [looking around] We're not capable of taking this scene seriously, are we?  
  
[The rest all shake their heads.]  
  
Kamui: Wronged, divorced, spited by Death! Oh, he seduced you and cruelly took your life. Oh, love! I cannot love you in life, only in death!  
  
Aoki: Why did Death come now, to murder our happiness? Oh, child! My child, no, my soul! You are dead! My child is dead and my son and joys will be buried together.  
  
Keiichi: [looking like he has a headache, especially since he knows that Subaru is alive] Quiet, all of you! You were blessed to know Subaru, and heaven was blessed, too. Now heaven only holds him, and it is better for him. What you wanted for him was your idea of what his heaven should be. Now you weep seeing that he is dead and in heaven? Oh, this is not the way to love your son! Dry your tears and gather rosemary for Subaru. Take him to church in his best clothes, for while we feel like we should morn, this is truly a cause for happiness.  
  
Aoki: All the decorations we put out for the wedding should be changed to black. The musicians should play sad music. Our wedding happiness will be replaced by a sad funeral. Our hymns change to dirges and the bridal flowers will be buried with Subaru. Change all things to funeral sadness.  
  
Keiichi: Aoki, Karen, and you, Kamui-san. Everyone prepare for the funeral. The heavens are angry with you for something. Do not anger them any more by crossing their will.  
  
[Aoki, Karen, Kamui, and Keiichi all exit]  
  
Yuzuriha: Well, that's that. Let's pack up and go.  
  
Sorata: Thank you for coming. I apologize, but you know this is a pitiful event.  
  
[Sorata exits]  
  
Yuzuriha: Well, perhaps we can play for the funeral?  
  
[Daisuke enters]  
  
Daisuke: Musicians, oh musicians. Please, play "Heart's ease".  
  
Yuzuriha: Why "Heart's ease?"  
  
Daisuke: Because my heart is playing the song, "My heart is full of woe." Play me something happy, to comfort me.  
  
Yuzuriha: This is no time to play.  
  
Daisuke: You won't, then?  
  
Yuzuriha: No.  
  
Daisuke: I'll repay you...  
  
Yuzuriha: With what?  
  
Daisuke: Can't give you money, but....I'll give you our ministrel! [aside] What?  
  
Yuzu: [aside] Got me. Stuff. Yeah.  
  
Arashi: [skips several lines and points to the dagger Yuzu is holding] You could put someone's eye out with that.  
  
[backstage, Subaru and Seishiro pause from making out and stare at each other briefly.]  
  
Subaru: [yelling] Neither of us thinks that's funny at all, Arashi!  
  
Daisuke: [peeved with the musicians for something that happened in the skipped lines] You guys suck.  
  
Yuzu: Likewise.  
  
Daisuke: Blah blah. Was this scene supposed to be comic relief or something?  
  
Yuzu: Probably.   
  
Daisuke: [finishes skimming his part and throws his script up in the air in a frustrated gesture] Forget this. I have no idea what's going on.  
  
[exits]  
  
Yuzu: What a jerk.  
  
Arashi: Yeah. Well, we'll stay till dinner. They'll probably feed us.   
  
[all exit] 


	22. Act 5, scene 1: In which....Seishiro get...

SCENE I. Kyoto. A street.  
  
[Seishiro enters]  
  
Seishiro: Ah, I've had lovely dreams. They tell of some joyful news that's coming. If only I could trust them! It's going to be a good day. I also dreamed that my lord came and found me dead, but was able to revive me with a kiss. I woke and became an emperor. How sweet love is!  
  
[enter Kakyou]  
  
News from Tokyo! Hey, Kakyou! Do you bring me letters from the friar? How is Subaru? Is he ok? How about my father? Again, I ask how Subaru is, for nothing can be ill if he is doing well.  
  
Kakyou: He is well, and nothing can be ill. His body sleeps in Sumeragi's monument and his soul is with the angels. I saw him lying dead in his family's tomb and came as quickly as I could to tell you. I'm sorry for telling you such bad news, but I had to.  
  
Yuuto: [cheerfully] The shit hits the fan!  
  
Seishiro: [tears start to run down his face] Is it true? [screams] I defy you, cruel fate! [to Kakyou] Get me ink and paper and hire me horses. I will leave from here tonight.  
  
Kakyou: Please, sir, wait for awhile. You look wild and your skin is ashen. You'll get hurt.  
  
Seishiro: No, it can't be. You made a mistake. Leave me and do as I ask. Do you have any letters from Keiichi?  
  
Kakyou: No...  
  
Seishiro: Oh well, it doesn't matter. Go on and get those horses. I'll be there in a few minutes.  
[Kakyou exits]  
  
Seishiro: Well, Subaru, I will be with you tonight. Oh, mischief enters quickly into the minds of desperate men! I do remember a pharmacy around here. He's not very good and rather poor...At the time I thought that if a man needed poison he could get it there, despite the fact that Kyoto law is death for anyone who sells poison. Oh, that poor man will surely sell me some poison! Oh, his shop is closed for holiday. Hey! Hey, pharmacist!   
  
[There is a quick discussion in the back and it's decided that Nataku can be the pharmacist.]  
  
Nataku: Who's yelling?  
  
Seishiro: Come here, man. I see you are poor. Here is man en[1]. Let me have a vial of poison. Something that will work quickly and kill the drinker.  
  
Nataku: I have something like that, but the law says I will be killed if I sell it.  
  
Seishiro: [half-mad and wailing] Are you so uncaring and concerned with yourself that you are so afraid to die? You are poor and starved anyway! The world is not your friend and the law is not either. Take the money!  
  
Nataku: My poverty says it is okay, but my conscience does not.  
  
Seishiro: I'm paying your poverty, not your conscience. [under breath] Just take the damn money.  
  
Nataku: ...All right. Put this in any drink you choose and swallow it off. There should be enough to kill twenty men.  
  
Seishiro: Here is your money. After all, money is worse poison than what I hold here. It causes more murder than the poisons you may not sell. Truly, I sell you poison and you have sold me none. Goodbye. Buy food for yourself. Come, wine- you are not poison. Come with me to Subaru's grave. There I will use you.  
  
[all exit]  
  
[1] About a hundred dollars 


	23. Act 5, scene 2: In which...Keiichi reali...

SCENE II. Friar Keiichi's cell.  
  
Kamui: Um...OK, Hinoto can be Friar John. [Hinoto appears randomly]  
  
[Enter Hinoto]  
Hinoto: Holy friar! Brother, where are you?  
  
[Enter Keiichi]  
Keiichi: Is that Hinoto, back from Kyoto? What did Seishiro say? Or if he wrote his thoughts, give me his letter.  
  
Hinoto: Well...Actually, they wouldn't let me into Kyoto. They were afraid I was from an area where disease has broken out.  
  
Keiichi: Well then who took my letter to Seishiro?  
  
Hinoto: I could not send it. Here it is. I couldn't find a messenger to take it into town, they were so afraid that I was sick.  
  
Keiichi: Oh, cursed fate! Cursed Murphy's law that is turning this play into a tragedy! That letter was not just a friendly letter! It had important things in it, and since it did not get to Seishiro, there could be danger. Hinoto, go and get me crowbar and bring it to my room.[1]  
  
Hinoto: I'll go and get one for you.  
  
[exits]  
  
Keiichi: Now I need to go to the tomb alone, since Subaru will wake up within three hours. He's going to yell at me since Seishiro is not here, but it's no one's fault. I'll send another letter to Kyoto and keep Subaru with me until Seishiro can come. That poor boy, a living corpse enclosed in a dead man's monument!  
  
[Exits]  
  
[1] I think that's what he asked for. 


	24. Act 5, scene 3: In which...everyone diet...

Tempt not a desperate man! I always loved that line.  
[puts on Linkin Park's In the End] Ah...how fitting.  
  
  
SCENE III. A churchyard; in it a tomb belonging to the Sumeragi clan.  
  
  
[Enter Kamui and Yuzuriha (the page) bearing flowers and a torch]   
  
Kamui: Give me the torch. Stand back there. I'm going to put out the torch because I don't want to be seen. Go over there and if you hear or see anyone coming, whistle to me so I know. Give me those flowers and go.  
  
Yuzuriha: [aside] It's creepy standing out here. But I will do as you ask.  
[moves to stand at the back of the stage]  
  
Kamui: Sweet flowers...oh, I would have strewn flowers on your bridal bed, but instead I place them in your tomb. I will remember you, Subaru. Nightly I will place flowers on your grave and cry.   
  
[Yuzuriha whistles]  
  
Someone's coming. What cursed person is coming here tonight to disturb my remembering?   
  
[moves back with Yuzuriha]  
  
[Seishiro and Kakyou enter with a torch]  
  
Seishiro: Give me those flowers and the torch. Take this letter and deliver it to my father tomorrow morning. And listen: whatever you see or hear, stand away and don't interrupt me in what I'm doing. I go into the tomb partly to see Subaru's face and partly to take my ring from his finger. So go on, leave me. If you come back to try to find out what I'm doing, I'll kill you. I and my intents are wild and more dangerous than tigers or the roaring sea.  
  
Kakyou: [somewhat worried] I will leave, sir, and will not bother you.  
  
Seishiro: Thank you. You are a good friend. [hands Kakyou some money] Take that. Live long and prosper!  
  
[muffled snickers from backstage]  
  
Seishiro: And goodbye, my friend.  
I only sound sort of like I'm planning on killing myself.  
  
Kakyou: [aside] Well, I'm a bit worried. I'll hide somewhere around here. He looks mad and I don't think his intents are good. [goes to the back of the stage with Yuzuriha and Kamui]  
  
Seishiro: You, tomb of death. Open so I can give you another life! [opens the tomb]  
  
Kamui: That's the banished Sakurazuka that killed my love's cousin. The grief for mourning over that cousin probably killed my love! He's come here to do some villainous deed to the dead bodies!  
  
Yuuto: Necrophilia!  
  
Kakyou: [covering Yuzuriha's ears] There are children around here!  
  
Kamui: I will stop him! [comes forward][1]  
Stop, Sakurazuka! Can your vengeance be pursued further than death? Come with me, for you must die!  
  
Seishiro: Can't we all just get along?  
  
Kamui: ...No?  
  
Seishiro: Yes, I must die. That's why I'm here. Gentle man, I am desperate. Do not tempt me. Leave here, leave me! Please, I ask of you! Do not force me to put another sin on my soul by making me mad. Leave! By heaven, your life is more precious than mine, for I plan to kill myself. Don't stay, leave, and from now on you can say a madman's mercy told you to run away.  
  
Kamui: No.  
  
Seishiro: Fine! Fight me, then! [they do so]  
  
Yuzuriha: They're fighting! I'll go call the watch!  
  
Kamui: Oh, I am killed! [pauses in his dying scene] OK, why do characters always have to state that? I think it would be pretty obvious what happened when they fall down and bleed all over. [returns to the script, falling down on the ground in an exaggerated swoon]  
If you are merciful, open the tomb and put me with Subaru. [dies]  
  
Seishiro: Of course I will. Oh, you are Yuuto's kin, the noble Kamui. Of course, I think Kakyou mentioned that Kamui was to marry Subaru. Did he say that or did I imagine it? Or have I gone crazy, hearing him talk about Subaru, that I think that it happened? I apologize, Kamui, we are both cursed by fortune. I'll bury you in a hero's grave. Oh, here is Subaru. His beauty makes this vault full of light. [sets Kamui down gently] Oh, my love, my husband!  
Death, he has not conquered you. You are still beautiful. Is that Hokuto there in that sheet? Oh, what can I do to make it up to you, cousin? Forgive me! [at this point, Seishiro is crying. The other characters blink at him, and the "dead" Subaru sits up and looks at him questioningly. He pulls an onion out of his shirt, winks, and puts it back.] Oh, Subaru, why are you still so beautiful? Does evil Death keep you this way to be his consort? I will stay here and prevent that. I will never leave here again. Here I will stay. Here will I arrange my everlasting rest. Oh, one last kiss, Subaru. Come, potion. Here's to my love! [drinks it] Oh, pharmicist! Your drugs work quickly. [kisses Subaru one more time] And with a kiss, I die. [does so]  
  
[at the other side of the stage, Keiichi enters with a lantern, crowbar, and spade.]  
  
Keiichi: Oh, I keep tripping...who's there?  
  
Kakyou: An old friend.  
  
Keiichi: Ah! Good friend, whose torch is that over there in the Sumeragi monument?  
  
Kakyou: It is my master's.  
  
Keiichi: Who...?  
  
Kakyou: Seishiro.  
  
Keiichi: How long has he been here?  
  
Kakyou: ...About half an hour.  
  
Keiichi: Come with me to the vault.  
  
Kakyou: Sir, I can't. My master doesn't know I am still here. He threatened to kill me if I saw what he was doing.  
  
Keiichi: All right, stay here. Oh, I'm afraid something bad has happened.  
  
Kakyou: As I was napping here, I had a dream that my master fought someone and that my master killed him.  
  
Keiichi: Seishiro! [heads toward the tomb] Oh, whose blood is this that stains the entrance? This should be a place of peace! [enters the tomb] Seishiro! Oh, you are pale! Who else? Oh, Kamui, too? What a horrible time! Oh no, Subaru stirs.  
[Subaru wakes up]  
  
Subaru: Oh, Keiichi! Where is my lord? I remember where I am. Where is my Seishiro?  
  
[noise]  
  
Keiichi: I hear some noise. Subaru, come from this place of death and unnatural sleep. A greater power than we can go against has thwarted our plans. Come, come on. Your husband lies dead in there, and Kamui, too. I'll leave you with a sisterhood of nuns. Come, Subaru.  
[noise again]  
  
I dare not stay any longer.  
  
Subaru: Go ahead and leave. I will not.  
  
Kamui: [stops being dead for a minute to scream at Keiichi] Idiot! Don't leave!  
  
[Keiichi exits]  
  
Subaru: What's this? A vial in my true love's hand? Poison was what killed him. [tears fill his eyes] You jerk! You drank it all and didn't leave any for me? Fine, I will kiss your lips. Maybe some poison is still on them.  
[kisses him]  
  
Yuuto: What did I tell you?  
  
[Subaru idly throws the empty vial in the direction of backstage.]  
  
Sora: Ow!  
  
Subaru: Your lips are warm.  
  
Sorata: Oh, we need watchmen. Well...Arashi hasn't done anything in awhile. And Nataku, and...uh...Hokuto, I suppose.  
  
Arashi: [outside] Which way?  
  
Subaru: Oh, a noise? I'll be quick then. Oh, sweet dagger. [grabs Seishiro's dagger from his belt] My body is your sheath! [stabs himself through the heart] Stay there and rust, and let me die! [falls on top of Seishiro and dies.]  
  
Yuzuriha: This is the place. There, where the torch is.  
  
Arashi: The ground is bloody. Search around the churchyard. Oh, what a pitiful sight! Here's Kamui, killed. And Subaru, bleeding...? He was buried two days ago. Someone run to the Sumeragi and the Sakurazuka. Some others search. We see the deeds that took place, but the true deeds are unclear.  
  
[Some of the watch re-enters, with Kakyou.]  
  
Nataku: Here's Seishiro's servant. He was in the churchyard.  
  
Arashi: Hold him until the prince comes.  
  
[Reenter more watch, with Keiichi]  
  
Hokuto: Here is a friar who trembles and weeps. He was carrying a spade and coming from the churchyard.  
  
Arashi: Suspicious. Hold him too.  
  
[Enter Kotori with attendants]  
  
Kotori: What happened here, and at such a time of night?  
  
[Enter Aoki, Karen, and some others]  
Aoki: What's going on, that caused all this noise?  
  
Karen: Some people in the street cry Seishiro; some cry for Subaru, and yet others cry Kamui. They all run towards our monument.  
  
Kotori: What is going on?  
  
Arashi: Here lies Kamui, killed. And Seishiro, dead. And Subaru, dead before, warm and killed recently.  
  
Kotori: Look around, find out how this horrible murder happened.  
  
Arashi: Here is a friar, and Seishiro's servant. Both had instruments with them that could have opened the tomb.  
  
Aoki: ...[ignores his line because he's desperately scribbling in his script][2]  
  
Karen: [reading Aoki's line as well as her own] Oh, heavens! Aoki, look how our son bleeds! The dagger is missing from Seishiro's sheath and mis-sheathed in my son's chest!  
Oh, this sight of death!  
  
[enter Fuuma and others]  
  
Kotori: Come, Fuuma. You are up early to see your son and heir more early killed.  
  
Fuuma: Alas, but my wife is also dead tonight! Grief from my son's exile has killed her.  
  
[Satsuki, backstage, laughs maniacally, since this is unthinkable. The rest of the cast eyes her nervously]  
  
Fuuma: What gods are conspiring against my family?  
  
Kotori: Well, look.  
  
Fuuma: Oh, how impolite of you to die before your father! [fake cries. Well, he's Fuuma.]  
  
Kotori: Seal up the mouth of the tomb for awhile until we can learn what happened. Let's bring forth the suspicious parties.  
  
Keiichi: I know, the time and place makes it look like I did it.  
  
Kotori: Then tell us right away what you know about it.  
  
Keiichi: Right. I'm the only one who knows all the gory details. I will be brief- [looks at his forthcoming speech] -or not. Seishiro, there dead, was husband to Subaru, and Subaru was faithful to Seishiro. I married them, and their secret marriage day was the day Hokuto was killed. Seishiro was banished from the city, and it was for him and not Hokuto that Subaru pined. [to Aoki, who has a wide-eyed expression] You, to try to make Subaru happy, betrothed him to Kamui. He came to me and pleaded with me to come up with some way to stop his second marriage. If I didn't, he would kill himself. So I gave him a sleeping potion that would make him seem dead; meanwhile I wrote to Seishiro and told him he should come here tonight to smuggle Subaru away from the tomb when the potion stopped its action. But Hinoto, who took my letter, was stopped by accident and gave my letter back last night. So I came alone at the time he was supposed to awaken, meaning to hide him in my room until I could contact Seishiro. But when I arrived, here lay Kamui and Seishiro, both dead. Subaru woke and I asked him to leave with me. But a noise frightened me away from the tomb and Subaru, desperate, would not go with me. As it seems, he killed himself. All this I know, and Sorata knew about the marriage.   
  
Kotori: Where is Seishiro's servant? What can he say about this?  
  
Kakyou: I brought Seishiro news of Subaru's death and he hurried here from Kyoto. This letter he asked me to give his father and threatened to kill me if I went in the vault, so I let him go in alone.  
  
Kotori: Give me the letter, I would like to look at it? Where is Kamui's page, that raised the watch? What was your master doing here?  
  
Yuzuriha: He came with flowers for Subaru's grave and asked me to stand away, so I did. Then someone came with a light to open the tomb and my master drew his sword after a bit and I ran away to call the watch.  
  
Kotori: This letter confirms Keiichi's words. Their love, the news of Subaru's death, and here he writes that he bought a poison and then came to this vault to die with Subaru. Where are the enemies? Sumeragi! Sakurazuka! See what is caused by your hate? Heaven finds ways to kill your joys through love! And I, for letting this feud continue, have lost two of my family. We are all punished.  
  
Aoki: [has finished whatever he was writing] Oh, brother Sakurazuka, give me your hand.   
  
Fuuma: You're not getting my Bud Lite.  
  
Aoki: Har har. I give you my apology, but I cannot offer more.  
  
Fuuma: But I can give you more. I will raise Subaru's statue in pure gold, so that while Tokyo is still called Tokyo, there shall be no figure like that of the true and faithful Subaru.  
  
Aoki: And Seishiro and Subaru shall lie together- oh, the poor sacrifices to our hate!  
  
Fuuma: Does anyone else find this scene hokey?  
  
Seishiro: Yes.  
  
Fuuma: [steps lightly on Seishiro's chest] Don't you hate it when people take forever to die?  
  
Kotori: A dismal peace comes this morning. The sun will not appear in sorrow. Some things will be forgiven and some punished, but never was there a tale more woe  
than that of Subaru and his Seishiro.[3]  
  
[all exit]  
  
Subaru: You know what? That ending sucked! The timing, especially.  
  
Aoki: Here! [hands everyone a sheet of paper, beaming] I wrote a new ending.  
  
Subaru: [after skimming it] ...Cool.  
  
Aoki: OK, people. Let's take it from the scene where Kamui confronts Seishiro.  
  
[the characters all hustle to get back into position]  
  
Kamui: Stop, Sakurazuka! Can your vengeance be pursued further than death? Come with me, for you must die!  
  
Seishiro: Yes, I must die. That's why I'm here. Gentle man, I am desperate. Do not tempt me. Leave here, leave me! Please, I ask of you! Do not force me to put another sin on my soul by making me mad. Leave! By heaven, your life is more precious than mine, for I plan to kill myself. Don't stay, leave, and from now on you can say a madman's mercy told you to run away.  
  
Kamui: No.  
  
Seishiro: Fine! Fight me, then! [they do so]  
  
Yuzuriha: They're fighting! I'll go call the watch!  
  
Seishiro: [has the first brilliant idea anyone in the play has had thus far. He gives Kamui a good tap in the head with the butt of his sword. Kamui crumples to the ground, knocked out but alive.]  
  
Seishiro: Of course, I think Kakyou mentioned that Kamui was to marry Subaru. Did he say that or did I imagine it? Or have I gone crazy, hearing him talk about Subaru, that I think that it happened? I apologize, Kamui, we are both cursed by fortune. I'm glad I didn't have to kill you. Oh, here is Subaru. His beauty makes this vault full of light. Oh, my love, my husband!  
Death, he has not conquered you. You are still beautiful. Is that Hokuto there in that sheet? Oh, what can I do to make it up to you, cousin? Forgive me! [no hokey crying this time.] Oh, Subaru, why are you still so beautiful? Does evil Death keep you this way to be his consort? I will stay here and prevent that. I will never leave here again. Here I will stay. Here will I arrange my everlasting rest. Oh, one last kiss, Subaru. [kisses him, then prepares to drink the poison]  
  
Subaru: Nnnh?  
  
Seishiro: [Blinks. Several times. Rapidly.] Subaru?  
  
Subaru: Seishiro! You came for me! [he hugs Seishiro. The vial falls from Seishiro's hand and shatters.]  
  
Seishiro: But- but- you were dead.  
  
Subaru: [frowns] Didn't you get the letter? It was a potion! I wasn't really dead.  
  
Seishiro: ...Oh. [kisses Subaru] Thank God. Come on, let's get out of here.  
  
[they exit the tomb and run into Keiichi on the way out.]  
  
Keiichi: Seishiro...? You made it? I thought you didn't get the letter?  
  
Seishiro: [beaming, holding Subaru's hand] I didn't. But he woke up before I could kill myself, so it's all OK. And now we're leaving. Listen, my servant has a note I wrote to my father. Deliver it to him, but tell him I'm all right after all. Explain things to him.  
  
Keiichi: ...All right.  
  
[all exit]  
  
[Aoki enters as the narrator]  
  
Aoki: After a bit of jumbled confusion, the situation got sorted out with the help of Keiichi, Kotori, and several long diplomatic sessions with both house heads. Both Fuuma and Aoki realized how close they had come to losing their children and house tensions decreased greatly. (Although they still existed.) Seishiro and Subaru lived in Kyoto, since Seishiro was still officially banished. Kotori, however, relaxed the ruling a bit to allow him to visit Tokyo. Fifty years and several grandchildren later, no one could remember why there had ever been hatred. The end.  
[exits]  
  
Seishiro: O.o Kids?  
  
Subaru: o.O Grandkids?  
  
Aoki: ... Yeah.  
  
Sorata: [appears wearing a Kiss the Cook apron and bearing plates of goodies] Here's food to celebrate us being done!  
  
[Arashi apparently decides to take Sora up on the offer on his apron. She kisses him and the rest of the cast makes "Awww..." noises.]  
  
Seishiro: Hey, Subaru-kun. What say you we leave all the platonic-ness here and go find a hotel room.  
  
Subaru: Sure. [They wander off, leaving the rest of the cast to stuff themselves silly.]  
  
  
  
[1] I love it when I can leave the stage directions the same. ^^;  
[2] The author switches her music to "Loser".  
[3] This just doesn't have the impact without the rhyme. 


End file.
